18 Months...Really??!

Recently I have had trouble sleeping.  This past week I have woken up almost every morning around 4am, unable to go back to sleep.  I don't like when that happens because that is when my mind starts to wander.  When the house is quiet, no distractions, it's almost instant that my mind goes to Jaylen and the events of that dreadful day.  Yesterday morning when I awoke, my mind was going like a whirlwind.  The past month or two have been different for me than in past months.  I haven't had much feeling of anything so when I was experiencing these feelings this past week and particularly yesterday morning, it was unexpected (but, then again with grief, nothing is unexpected).  As I layed there, tears began to stream.  I'm not sure if it was coincidence or not, but right then, I realized it was March 21st and Jaylen's accident was exactly 18 months ago.  

Eighteen long months without my baby boy.  It seems as if it has been an eternity since Jaylen has been with us physically.  Our lives have adjusted and my biggest fear has come true.  I think that is probably what I'm struggling most within my grief right now.  LIFE GOES ON...when I wanted the world and my world to stop, it didn't and we have continued on, adjusting to living life without Jaylen.  I never wanted to get use to Jaylen not being here, I never wanted him to be a memory, but slowly that reality has slipped away and all we have left are the memories.

   
Lately I've been questioning so many things.  I hear of so many miraculous events taking place to where people have survived something when they shouldn't have. I hate asking the "Why" question because it runs me crazy knowing that I will never get an answer.  Why didn't Jaylen survive??  Why didn't we get a miracle that day?? Why Jaylen...he was so full of life??!!  Especially when on that day, we were told that he was going to be okay, only to arrive at the hospital to hear the words, "he didn't make it".  Yesterday, after feeling a little sorry for myself, I was at the gym and a song came on by Taylor Swift.  It's a song that reminds me of Jaylen so much and brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it.  As I was listening,  a line spoke to me like it never had before..."What if the miracle was even getting one moment with you".  At that moment, I had a million flashbacks of Jaylen's life.  Entering this world at just 30 weeks gestation, perfect.  To stay in the NICU a short amount of time, only to allow himself to grow and get stronger.  He is my miracle and I got almost two years with him.  I will never understand why so many parents have to experience this kind of loss and pain, but I have put my trust in God.  That is why I try not to ask "Why"...he knows why and I believe that one day I will have that answer.  

We had the amazing opportunity to visit my parents in London for a week, recently. It was incredible and I fell in love with London.  It is a beautiful city with so much history.  I've never been one to understand the depths of history, but being there and experiencing it, was intriguing.  With every opportunity in life now though, there is still always that feeling of "I wish Jaylen was with us".  Nothing is the same, no matter how amazing something is.  

The first day we arrived, we went to see Buckingham Palace where the Queen lives.  Kaia was in heaven!!  Prior to leaving she had told me that she had to take her "most beautiful" dress with us just in case she gets to see the queen.  She also told me for days that she was "practicing her bowing" in case she gets to meet the Queen.  It was so cute to watch her excitement.  As we were standing in front of the palace, my dad says, "Let's get a family picture".  He doesn't know this, but my heart sank in that moment beacuse all I could think about was that this isn't a complete family picture...someone is missing.  I think that was the first time I had heard "let's get a family picture" since Jaylen's passing.  We took a lot of family pictures while we were in London and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, but that again, is part of my "new normal".  Our family picture, my life, will never be complete again until we are all reunited.

 As the week went on in London, we had such a great time.  We walked a ton and the kids never complained.  It was pretty amazing.  The day before we left, we were walking through the park where Kensington Palace is (home to William and Kate).  It rains a lot in London and had that day.  The grass was wet and muddy.  As we were walking through the muddy grass, some mud splashed up onto the toe of my shoe.  I thought nothing of it and figured I would just wash my shoes when we got home.  As we got back and the mud had dried, I noticed that it had dried in the shape of a heart.  Coincidence?? Maybe...but in my mind and my hope, I feel as if Jaylen was telling me, "Mom, I am here. I am always here".  These are the moments that keep me going.  

As time has passed, the less I feel Jaylen close.  It can make life messy and confusing feeling so far away from him, but I know he is busy and "life goes on".  Life has to go on because this is a trial I was given and I have to face it.  I don't know why my son, Jaylen, was chosen to leave this earth before me, but I trust God. He must believe in me, along with Mike, Ian, and Kaia, enough to know that we could handle this and survive.  We are surviving...even if some days I want to crumble.  It's not the path I would have ever chosen for myself, but it was given to me so I'm doing my best.  One day I will stand before God, reunited with Jaylen and will have that answer, but until then, I am doing my best living this life without my beautiful baby.