Graduation

Best friends from the beginning

We attended Kaia's Kindergarten Graduation this past week and it was such an amazing event.  I couldn't believe that an elementary school would put on such an event for something "so small" as some people would say.  I have been so impressed with the elementary school that Kaia has attended and how they have made the "little things" important.  Yes, having a huge graduating ceremony for Kindergarten may be a little over the top, but our kids grow up so fast.  Some of us will not get to celebrate all the "little things" so these "little things" become the big things.  

As I sat down in the auditorium waiting for the event to start, they had a slide show of pictures from the year and music playing.  I didn't plan to get emotional that night, but I did.  I started to choke up and not because Kaia was moving on to the first grade, but because Kindergarten Graduation is not something I will get to experience with Jaylen.  He will never get to experience Kindergarten, Middle School, or a High School Graduation.  I will never get to watch him sing songs with his school class, hear his name be called by the school principal and be handed his graduation certificate by his teacher.  These "little things" are big things to a lot of us mom's that will never get this opportunity with one of our children.  Like Kaia's principal said at the ceremony, our kids grow up so fast.  Every milestone should be celebrated and I couldn't agree more.  I wish I would get  to celebrate these things with Jaylen, but I don't and I never will.  Instead, I had to experience a graduation with Jaylen that is something no parent ever wants to experience.  One that was not expected, one that is unknown.   

One graduation we did get, celebrating Jaylen's 1st birthday!!

I live everyday wondering what experiences Jaylen is having now.  What he is learning, who he is friends with?  I also live every day wondering what life would be like with him still here.  How tall would he be, what would he be saying, his favorite toys, friends, etc??  This life of the unknown is so hard.  Always wondering what my baby is up too?  I know he is busy, I know he is in a safe place, and I truly believe that he is with his little brother, preparing him to come to our home soon, but there is still always that wonder??  As I see other little boys that look close to Jaylen's age, I am always curious to know how old they are.  In a way, watching them and knowing that they are Jaylen's age, I feel like I get to see a little bit of Jaylen in them, even if I don't know them well.  It's a bittersweet thing...seeing other little boys living life to the fullest, giving their mom's a headache.  I so badly want that to be my son, but since it can't be, I look to these little boys and imagine Jaylen being there too.  

The past few months have been different for me.  I have been in a better place, which is actually a blessing and a curse as well.  I miss my son so much, but the agonizing pain has subsided and I don't see as much fog.  The blessing, the pain has lessened.  The curse, the pain has lessened.  With the pain lessening, it makes me question myself as a mom.  The mind plays horrible tricks and there is a guilt with not crying every single day.  I lost my baby boy tragically, I should not be able to function, but I am.  With time, the heart and mind learn to cope, they learn to adjust to the reality, which is needed to survive such an awful event, but I also don't want to become numb to this feeling.  The feeling of pain is a reminder of what was real, and that was Jaylen.  He was and is real.  

I will live for him!!

Life goes on, it has to.  I had two choices after losing Jaylen...to go on and live for him, or to give up and be with him.  As much as I wanted to give up at numerous times, I knew I needed to live because that is what Jaylen would want.  The pain is still there, the heartache of missing him will never go away, but I've learned to see color again.  There is hope to be happy.  I know that I will never be complete until my whole family is reunited again, a piece of me will always stay broken, but there is hope because I am breathing.  I am living and that is something I never thought I would do it again.