30 Weeks

Jaylen was born at 30 weeks gestation and I have officially reached that point in my pregnancy with our new addition, who is set to arrive in November.  This is a huge milestone for us, especially since at 25 weeks I was put on bed rest and we were unsure if we were even going to make it to this point.  So far, things have been going well and it is a huge relief to get this far.  Mike and I were always concerned that if we ever did decide to have another child after Jaylen, would we experience a premature delivery again?  Each of my children have come five weeks earlier than the last, so the thought of having a 25 weeker was terrifying. We weren't sure if having another child would be the right thing to do, but we always felt that there was possibly another spirit meant for our family.  We were so fortunate at how well Jaylen did for as early as he was and know it was nothing short of a miracle. We were allowed a few extra months with him in this life.  After losing Jaylen, we put our trust in what we had felt before and decided to try.  The thought of having another super early baby though was frightening and I'm grateful that we have made it this far.  We have been blessed with an amazing doctor, who I know, has helped us to overcome each hurdle with this pregnancy. 

Minutes after Jaylen was born

Reaching this 30 week mark has really had me thinking about Jaylen the past few days.  When you have a baby the last thought on your mind is that they will leave this earth before you.  I remember going into labor with Jaylen and being terrified of the unknown.  Would he be okay?  How big would he be?  Will he have long lasting effects from it?  It was scary!  But he was born perfect, just small and needed to grow.  Who knew that two years later, our little miracle would be our angel watching over us.  It's hard to get excited with this pregnancy because there is that fear.  Fear that another child will be taken from me.   Not only do I fear what could happen in this pregnancy, I have the fear of what could happen to one of my other children.  Living in fear is hard, but I have to remind myself constantly that we are not in charge.  I have to continue to trust in God that no matter what, his plan is better than mine.  I pray that I never have to experience another tragic loss like I have, but I am not guaranteed so I continue to just hope.  Hope that our new baby continues to grow well and be born perfectly healthy.  Hope that my other children have a chance to live a long healthy life as well.  Hope...hope is all we have and that continues to be what I hold on to.

My mind has been so preoccupied on keeping our new little guy inside the last little while that I haven't had much time to think about the upcoming events that are about to take place in our lives. The big two year mark of Jaylen being gone.  Not only has it been two years, but another milestone that we are about to surpass is one where Jaylen will have been gone from us longer than he was here with us.  That is a hard pill to swallow.  Then, on top of that, we should be celebrating a 4th birthday, but that too is something we do not get to do.  We will celebrate, we will acknowledge our little man's special day, but it won't go without a sting and a wish that he was blowing out four candles instead of us.  September is definitely a month I do not look forward to, but again with grief, each day is a milestone.

Year two of the grief cycle has been much different than year one.  The intense agonizing pain has worn off and adjustments have started to take place with the new norm.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  I think I cried a lifetime of tears in the first year.  I didn't know how to go on. I literally wanted to die, but I continued to slowly put one foot forward in front of the other and held on to each passing day.  Year two, for me at least, the tears have become more spread out.  The days seem to pass more quickly and life continues to go on.  Jaylen is still in my every thought, but I can think about other things as well.  I can think about Jaylen and it not consume my every emotion.  A blessing is that the intense pain that was there in the first year has slowly lessened and I am able to smile again, but then comes guilt.  I feel a constant battle in my head.  Guilt for not being sad all the time.  Guilt for living life.  Guilt for excitement of having another son, and so on.  Losing Jaylen has been the hardest thing I have ever had to experience in my life and being "okay" makes me feel like something is wrong with me.  I will never truly be "okay", a piece of my heart will always be broken and missing, but I'm moving forward...something that I never thought I could do.  That is the battle...surviving the death of my son!  Most would say, "but Jaylen wants you happy" and yes, I agree, but my mind says, "how can you be happy, your son is in heaven??!!"  

There have been a million questions pass through my mind since losing Jaylen, but one thing I have never questioned or wavered on is that I know Jaylen lives.  I know I will see him again and I know that this life is not the end.  Maybe that is why I am "surviving".