Wow! It has been a long time since I have sat down to write. There have been so many times that I have wanted to, but life has gotten busy for our family these past couple of years and as crazy as it has been, it truly has been a blessing!!
On April 17, 2017 we added a new addition to our family. Trinity Hope Garner was born at 33 weeks gestation, perfect and strong. She spent 10 days in the NICU before joining our family at home. Life has not slowed down since. She and Taysen are 18 months apart. None of my children have been this close in age and it's definitely a challenge at times. Taysen still requires so much and can't quite understand when Trinity takes priority over him at times. It is tough! He loves his baby sister so much though and is so cute with her! Always wanting to hold her and kiss her.
As I look at these two miracles that have joined our family in the past 2 years, I can't help but think of Jaylen. There isn't anything more in this life I would want then to see him here interacting with his younger brother and sister. I can only imagine what kind of brother he would be. I also can't help but think of the role he played to get his siblings here.
Before we lost Jaylen, Mike didn't really want any more kids. We had come to the agreement that we were done and our family was complete. At times, I wasn't sure if I felt the same way, but we were happy and content. About 2 weeks before losing Jaylen, I felt content and was confident that our family was complete. The night we lost Jaylen that all changed. Immediately Mike and I both felt that we needed not one, but two more children. I was surprised when Mike came to me and said that he had the impression in the hospital that we needed more because I had that exact same impression.
As hard and terrible as it has been to lose Jaylen, my mind often wonders if Taysen and Trinity would be here if it hadn't been for that terrible event. I strongly believe that God is in control of our lives and plans are set before we even come here...so was this all part of the plan? I think so. I'm not sure if Jaylen knew he needed to go in order to get his siblings here, but it crosses my mind. Is that a crazy thought? Maybe...but a lot of things in this life are crazy and don't go as planned. Ideally, I want all my children here, but I was given a different path to take and I've come to accept that. Does it mean that I miss Jaylen any less? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! But I have accepted this path and decided to focus on the blessings rather than the incredible heartbreak. Now, three years ago would I be saying this? Probably not, but it's amazing what time can do for one's heart. My heart still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY for Jaylen, but I can breath again. I can laugh without guilt. I can love my 2 youngest children with all my heart, be grateful that they are now here, and that our family is now complete. We may feel incomplete because we don't get to have Jaylen with us physically here, but we know he is close. We know he is watching over us and blessing our family.
So many wonderful things have happened to our family in the past couple of years and I can't help but think that Jaylen has played a role. I miss him SO MUCH!! I so badly want him here, but I am so grateful for the almost 2 years I got with him and the knowledge that I will get to spend eternity with him. That will be a wonderful time.
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