The First Day I'll Never Get

There are a lot of first I won't get with Jaylen, but as the new school year is approaching, my mama heart is aching a little more these days.  It's hard to believe that Jaylen would be starting Kindergarten tomorrow. When I think of Jaylen, all I see is that two year old beautiful, brown eyed, curly haired boy, just starting to learn this world. I look at 5 year old little boys all the time now and try so hard to envision what my beautiful boy would look like, only left to wonder. 

Starting Kindergarten is a time of so many emotions for any parent. It's the start of independence in a whole new way. Watching our children move on to that new found independence. As both Ian and Kaia started Kindergarten, I was emotional.  Not because of going to school, but the thought of how fast they were growing up, where the time had gone, what this new adventure would bring to them, and letting go a little.  With Jaylen, my letting go was different than I had ever envisioned or hoped for.  I had to let go long before I had planned to and in a whole different way. 

As I shopped for school supplies this year, I wanted nothing more than to be buying that Cars back pack and lunch box for my soon to be Kindergartner.  I would watch other parents with their young kids, doing that exact same thing, wishing that I had Jaylen there with me in that moment.  Why did Jaylen have to go so young?  Why does our family have to endure this trial? Why, why, why?? So many whys that we will not have the answer to until we are with Jaylen again.  

I so badly wish I knew and could understand why we experience the trials that we are given in this life. I know SO MANY incredible families that walk this same journey in grief, losing a child. It is awful and each time that I hear of a new story, my heart shatters a little more.  Couldn't it have just stopped after Jaylen?  I hate knowing that others have to experience this deep pain that truly is a life long sentence.  It does get easier with time, but the pain is always there. So many first that we have to go through life, left to wonder, rather than to experience.  

Tomorrow as I take that first day of school picture of Ian and Kaia, I will be picturing Jaylen standing on my front porch, wearing that back pack, giving me a big grin, as he is ready to leave the nest and start his school years. I won't get the real image, but I will have it in my mind.  My heart will hurt, but I will put on a smile because that is what bereaved mama's do. We have to or we wouldn't be able to survive these "first".

I'm grateful that since losing Jaylen, we have been blessed with two little angels that have brought life back into our home. I will get emotional on their first day of Kindergarten too.  Maybe not for the normal reasons, but that we made it to that day. When you lose a child, I think the fear of losing another one is compounded. We've experienced the unimaginable, so we know that it can very well happen again.  I look forward to taking that first day of Kindergarten picture of Taysen and then Trinity to follow.  I miss Jaylen so much. This is a big, anticipated first that I will not get, but amazingly enough, we pick ourselves up and continue to move forward.