Five Months

Five months ago today I woke up to Jaylen laying next to me in bed.  It was unusual for Jaylen to be in bed with me, but this particular morning he was having trouble going back to sleep.  Mike was up early with him, but had to leave for work so he placed Jaylen in bed with me right before he left.  Who knew that morning, that it would be the last one I shared with my beautiful son!  What a blessing it was that I had that opportunity, one that I will never forget, and one that I will cherish for the rest of my life!!  That morning I didn't think much of it, but looking back, there was a reason I got to wake up next to him.  Five months ago, my life changed forever!!  I will never be the mom, wife, friend, woman that I was before that day.  I look back on my life before that day, the things I stressed over, the little things that seemed important at the time, now seem so trivial.  What I wouldn't give to go back to my life previous to September 21, 2013.  I never knew a pain so deep, so ongoing, and so overwhelming at times.

Aching to hold him again

This new life is so up and down.  The emotions and day to day living is so exhausting.  I have had some really positive days, but I think I am in my first real funk.  You would think that with time, the pain would ease, the emotions would become more subtle, but that is far from the truth.  I think that as time goes on, it is harder.  Each month comes and goes, and with each month, that is one more month that I have gone without Jaylen.  I fear the day when I will say that it has been 5 years since I have held my baby boy.  That seems so long, but it will come so fast.  It has only been five months, but I already feel as if an eternity has passed since I have had him in my arms.  There is such a hole left in my heart.  It is something that can never be repaired, but somehow I have to learn and grow from this.

I often wonder why we are given the trials that we each face.  Why does one parent lose a child, while another parent doesn't?  I have met some amazing parents since Jaylen's accident who have lost children as well.  At times we feel as if we are being punished for something we have done in the past, but I look at these other families who are experiencing this same loss and they are all good, loving, honest people.  Bad things shouldn't happen to good people, but it does and will continue to every single day.  I get so frustrated when I hear the stories of child abuse.  I often find myself asking why so many parents that choose to abuse and neglect their children, will never end up losing one, but that so many loving parents do and will.  It's a hard thing to understand, especially as a grieving mother.  I try so hard not to judge because every single person has trials and struggles that one can not compare to the other, but I just struggle with hearing the stories of abuse and neglect.

It has been a hard few weeks.  My kids have been more emotional, Mike has been down, and I have felt very low.  About a month ago I was talking to one of my friends and she had mentioned that we should get a dog.  At that moment I thought, no way, that is the last thing that we need right now! As the days passed, I started thinking about it more, then one day I mentioned it to Mike.  He said that he had been having the same thoughts, which was surprising since he has not really wanted one at all.  Anyway, we didn't act on it immediately, but two weeks ago, I was having an extremely hard day and happened to just see what kind of puppies were available.  I went online and fell in love with the cutest, pit bull-terrier puppy named Ivy.  She was at a PetSmart in Dallas waiting to be adopted.  That night we decided to go see her and fell in love instantly.  She has been a blessing to our family.  I have seen a happiness in my kids eyes again that has not been there in awhile.  Not to say that they have forgot about Jaylen because they still talk about him constantly, but Ivy has brought some livelihood back into our lives.

With the blessing of having her, there still is that little bit of heartbreak as well.  I can't help but think of how much Jaylen would have loved her.  Our neighbors had gotten a new puppy this summer and Jaylen loved her!!  He was always trying to pick her up, carry her, and chase her around.  Anytime we would be outside and a neighbor would walk by with a dog, Jaylen would want to play with it.  He loved dogs!  We were at the park on Monday and had taken Ivy with us.  As I stood with her, watching the kids play, a little boy who couldn't have been much younger than Jaylen, came up to Ivy, started petting her and talking to her in his cute toddler little voice.  I couldn't help but get emotional.  I wanted that toddler to be Jaylen.  I wanted it to be Jaylen talking to her and petting her but instead,  I watched the sweet interaction between a child I don't know and my new puppy.  It is so bittersweet.  Ivy has been a huge blessing though...hard work, but we are so grateful to have found her and gave her a home.

We love Ivy!!

I have been so blessed to have a friend of mine in Utah visit Jaylen's grave regularly for me.  Just recently, I have been having her change the decorations on it from time to time.  Keep it nice, clean, and shouting of love for my Jaylen.  She is an amazing woman and I'm so lucky to call her my friend.  Anyway, this past week, she spent some extra time trying to get items for Jaylen's grave to make it perfect.  She had found some solar lights that needed 24 hours to charge and then afterwards, they would light up each night and shine on Jaylen's grave.  On Monday she took it all to the cemetery, got it decorated and let the lights charge.  She wanted to see how the lights turned out after being charged so she drove back on Tuesday, which by the way, is about a 20 minute drive from her house.  When she arrived at his graveside, the lights had been stolen, the flowers she planted in a pot had been cut off, and a balloon that was on a stick had been cut off also and taken.  As if my emotions have not already been down, this just topped it off!! It breaks my heart that there are such senseless people in this world that have no respect.  I don't have much left that I can do for Jaylen now that he is passed, but I still have his resting place to make nice.  It's devastating to think that may not be possible! I hope that it was a one time thing and it won't continue to happen.  I will not stop having it taken care of, even if things continue to be taken, but hopefully it was a one time thing and those senseless people will stay away from the cemetery.

I wish I could come on here, five months later, saying that things have gotten easier, but I can't.  I continue to wake up each day with a broken heart.  There is an emptiness that is indescribable and the words are so true, you truly can't understand unless you have walked in these shoes.  Child loss is the most devastating thing.  My heart breaks a little more each time I hear of another family experiencing this loss.  As broken as I am, I am still getting up each day, loving my husband, loving my kids, and trying to enjoy life as it is.  There will always be a crutch. My heart will always have that hole, but I will continue to learn, grow, and try my best to be better each day.  Some days are harder than others, but I want to make Jaylen proud.  I want him to know how much I love him and I believe by trying to go on positively, I am telling him just that.

Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back...

Just when you think you have this grieving process figured out, it only takes a second to feel knocked right back down.  I have had some amazing days, more positive than I could have ever hoped for, but those don't last.  I woke up yesterday feeling the emotions of pain seeping back in.  I miss Jaylen so much.  Most days I think I try to deny the pain I feel so I can go on with each day, helping my other children and husband, being the rock of the family.  We all know that if Mom is a mess, the whole family is as well.  I am fortunate that I don't feel I have to "hide" my emotions with my family, but I have been blessed with strength to be there for them.  I have been blessed with being able to get out of bed each morning, making sure they are fed, the house is clean, and all that needs to be taken care of, are.  I don't do this because I have to, I do it because I want our lives to continue as normal as they possibly can.  

Today has not been so easy.  I feel so lucky to be able to work from home.  I can hide in my house and not face the world that's in front of me.  Some days I don't want to face anything, all I want to do is rush to get through to the next day and the next.  But then, I look at my other two children and don't want to rush too fast because I still want to enjoy and cherish each moment that I have with them.  This grieving thing is so, so difficult in so many ways. One moment you are living, accepting, even smiling at times, shocked that it's even possible, but it only takes a second for that to change.  The reality of child loss is unbearable.  When I allow myself to really accept that Jaylen is not coming home, it becomes far too painful to think about.  Most days I think I block that thought out of my mind.  I can't go on each day thinking that way or I would never get out of bed.  Today has not been one of those days.  I am unable to block that thought from my head and I am struggling.

Two nights ago Kaia was playing with my phone.  She came across my voice memos and was playing on it.  I never use that app on my phone and had forgot all about it.  As she played with it, she pushed play and a recording came on that Jaylen and I had recorded together this summer.  We were goofing off, talking, and making sounds on it together.  I had forgotten that we had even done that and when she played it, Mike and I heard his voice and had to immediately turn it off.  Those are the reality checks that just make you shatter inside and out.  Both Mike and I have really struggled with looking at pictures.  I can glance, Mike can't look at all.  We have pictures up all over our house.  I would not want it any different, but I don't sit and stare at them.  I have them up to keep him present and here in our lives.  I will always have them surrounding us, but it is a real struggle to stare at him.  It is too painful.  Hearing his voice the other night turned my faith into hope and despair.  Mike and I have yet to watch any videos of him.  The thought of seeing him so alive is too painful.  Knowing that our beautiful son is in fact so real and such a part of us, just hurts too much, knowing that he is not here with us anymore.  All the hopes and dreams we had for him, Gone!  We use to talk so much about how Jaylen would be as he got older before all this happened.  We saw so much in him.  It brought such joy and excitement, but that has all been crushed.  Jaylen was so well rounded, into everything, always kept us on our toes.  He brought such excitement to our lives and I miss that so much.  Seeing videos and hearing his voice is too much a reminder of what will never be.  One day I know I will cherish all of those things, but right now, it is far too difficult to even try to watch or listen to. 

I spend a lot of time talking with my friends who have lost children as well.  It is so helpful to have them to vent to.  One day we were discussing how we felt and my friend Jenelle could not have said it better.   She described her heart as having a metal shield around it now, there is no feeling in it.  Just hard and cold, but every now and again, there is a warmth.  I so agree.  I don't have much feeling inside me these days.  Most days I just live to get through to the next.  I do have those days of warmth though.  If you read my blog, you can see that there are good days and even days that are a real high, but in reality, those days don't last.  I have learned that with every high, there comes a low, but with every low, there is hope for that high again.  The lows are HARD!  I dread when I can feel them coming because I know the pain that comes with them, but I have also learned that the only way to heal is to have the lows and feel the pain.  I would bottle it up all inside if I could and never feel again, but I know that could be very dangerous.  Feeling is how we grow and over come, but feeling can also be very painful.  I enjoy the days of numbness, but I know I have to heal too.  Not only for myself, but for my husband and other children.  We, as a family, need to heal and some how I know that we will.  I have seen the light, I have felt the warmth and I have to remind myself on these hard days that with time, it will get easier.

 
I have grown so much in the past four and half months.  I have learned more about myself than I think I have my whole life time.  I have more compassion and love for everything in life.  I wish I didn't have to go through what I am going through to learn these things, but I am.  They are the cards that have been dealt to me and I will continue to do my best to grow and learn.  I so badly want to give up some days.  Stay in bed, cry, punch walls, hide, but really what will that accomplish?  I don't get Jaylen back.  No matter what I do, it won't bring him back so somehow I have to turn my heartbreak into a positive thing.  I struggle daily.  I am dragging today, but tomorrow I will wake up and face a new day.  I am always hopeful for what the new day will bring and I guess that's what I have to do.  Look to each new day for what I can learn and grow from.  Does it make it easy?  No! But it's what I have to do.  People have said numerous times that they can't believe how strong I am, but really, it's that I have no other choice.  I have two other kids and a husband that I love way too much to ever give up.  I can tell you that before this happened I heard stories of other parents losing children and I just couldn't imagine.  My heart always broke a little when I heard a story.  Losing a child has always been one of my biggest fears, but I never truly thought I would have to live through it.  I didn't think I could ever go on if I ever had to experience a loss like this, but you find a strength that you didn't know was there.  I read a quote today which stood out, "You have a choice after a loss like this, you can be better or bitter."  I am really trying to be better...

Groundhog Day

He can bring a smile to any one's face!!

I've explained in the past that my days feel like Groundhog Day.  I wake up day in and day out feeling the same, numb feeling and my days feel so repetitive.  I do different things each day, but the feelings are similar and each day just feels the same.  Nothing has been the same since that dreadful day.  It has altered my life in so many ways, I can't even put it into words.  I awake daily, wishing so badly to go back to my life before the accident.  I'd do anything to have all three children present, but for some reason, it can't be that way.  With this tragedy though, I can tell you that I have witnessed blessings that I never would have had otherwise.  It is still very early into this process.  I still struggle, but I have found peace in my life that is so different than I've ever felt before.  I'm not sure if it's because I have opened my heart to build my relationship with God, or that my beautiful son has brought heaven into our home, but in my eyes, I believe it has to have a little to do with both and it is a very special feeling.

The Loves of my life!!

I think we as people, get so caught up in our daily lives. The stresses of every day life.  Taking care of a household, making sure our children have all that they need, paying bills, etc., that we forget what this life is really about.  I know that before the accident, I stressed over the most trivial things.  At the time, they seemed important, but what I have learned now is that love and spending time with the people we love, is what is most important.  I have said that the six months prior to losing Jaylen, we spent more time together as a family than we ever had.  Our family bond was stronger that it had ever been and I am so grateful that we were given that time to build that foundation.  We are a much stronger, closer family because of it.  I feel in some ways God was preparing us for the events that were about to take place in our lives.  I can tell you that if we had lost Jaylen at any time sooner, I don't know that our family could be where we are today.  I'm so grateful that we made the move to Texas.  It forced us to lean on each other more because we were all that we had for the most part, being in a new place.  It has confirmed to me that there are no coincidences in life.  There is a plan for each and every one of us.  I strongly believe that we were guided to Texas.  If we had not moved, we would have stayed in the same rut that we were in, in Utah and things would be very different right now.  I'm grateful that Mike and I trusted our instincts and moved our family, even though the unknown was very scary.

St. George Half Marathon 2013

I had the opportunity to run my first race, a half marathon, since the accident.  Ironically it fell on Groundhog Day which seemed suitable for how I have felt.  My sister Caron flew in from Salt Lake to spend the weekend and run the race with me. It was so fun to have her here with me and to run another race.  We have been in the process of creating a running shirt in honor of Jaylen, that I will now run each race in.  Unfortunately, they were not finished in time for this race.  I was pretty bummed.  All I could think about was the whole reason I want to run these races now is to Spread Sunshine and show my beautiful boy's face to the world.  My sister is so creative and Saturday we scrambled to put together a temporary shirt until we can get the real ones.  They turned out great and I'm grateful she was here to help.

Our temporary Jaylen shirts

Like I have said before, running has become so therapeutic for me.  It is that time I can just zone out, be alone, listen to my music, cry, scream, and talk to Jaylen.  Since I have pushed myself to get out there and go run, I am running faster than I ever have.  I've always been a decent runner, but my pace has picked up and I think it's because I'm so zoned out in thought.  As I was running this race on Sunday, it was cold, the wind was bitter and for half of the race, we were running into the wind which made it pretty challenging.  I remember a couple of distinct moments where it felt as if someone was pushing my back to keep me going.  A push to give me that stride to go faster.  At that moment, I knew Jaylen was with me.  It was an emotional run, but I finished, beating my personal record.  I have never sought out to win any of these races.  Most of the time, the ones who win, run at an incredible speed.  I did not win this race, but I did end up taking first place in my age group, seventh place in women's, and thirty-forth overall, out of 750 runners!!  I typically do not discuss the results from races in the past, but I have to say that once again, Jaylen has pushed me to a better me.  I believe I am running at my best because of him.  He is with me every step of the way and I am growing with each step, whether it's with running or just in my every day life.  Not only did I do well, my sister who is a few years older than me, placed third in her age group and ran a great race also. It was a fun day to realize that we had accomplished something more than we had set out to do.

This past race was the first of many that I look forward to.  Our next will be a 5K Color Run that we will be running in Dallas, together as a family, in April.  My sister who lives in Texas also, and her family will be joining us.  My kids have never participated in a race with me and I think they are really looking forward to being a part of it.  I look forward to a start of hopefully something positive and therapeutic for us, as a family, to do together.  I hope that in time, we will have many more participants and spread sunshine to the world.  Jaylen has touched so many lives.  He changed mine from the moment I went into labor at 29 weeks.  The moment he was born I knew there was something unique and very special about him. I will do all in my power to never let him be forgotten.  The days are still far from easy.  I still really struggle, but I am learning and growing. There is nothing that can bring Jaylen back, I wish there were. If there was a magic pill, I would take it in a heartbeat, but since there is not, I will do my best to carry on Jaylen's legacy as positively as I can.  It is what he would want.  He wants me happy, he wants his brother and sister happy, and he wants his dad happy.  We are trying to do that for him.

Kaia had to have her own Jaylen picture :)