Three Months...sigh

I miss him more and more each day

The three month mark has come and gone and as the months roll by, the pain I feel does not lessen.  It almost has become more because the shock has warn off and the reality that Jaylen is not coming home becomes more apparent. I go to sleep each night hoping to wake up to a new reality, that it was just a horrible dream, but the truth is, it is a horrible nightmare that I will live each day until we are reunited.  I will say, not every day is horrible, but it still is a challenge to wake up each day and live in this new normal.  I do have "good" days, but with those good days, there are just as many, if not more, bad days.  The one bearable thing about the bad days, is that I know a good day will come.

It has been very hard to feel the Christmas spirit this year. This time of year is usually my absolute favorite.  The spirit of Christmas usually brings such excitement and joy, but Mike and I were talking the other day and we both can not wait for it to be over.  I am so ready for the holidays to be done and a new year to start.  With a new year, I know my thoughts and feelings about Jaylen will not change, but I'm looking forward for life to slow down again.  Christmas time seems so busy and hectic, some days I feel that I don't even have a minute to breath.  I hate going any where right now.  You walk into a store and it's pure madness.  I don't have the energy or desire to be around that.  Since Jaylen's accident my mind has felt like like a bunch of scribbles on a piece of paper, so when I approach any store right now, it just adds to it and I'm already worn out just living day to day.  I look forward to some calmness again, even if it's just a little bit.

On Saturday I approached the stores one last time to get the stocking stuffers for my kids.  As I was walking around the store trying to figure out what I would get to fill them, I thought of Jaylen's stocking that will not be filled this year. I hung all five stockings up because he still is a huge part of our family, but it will not get filled.  For a moment, I thought, maybe I should buy some things to fill it, but then again, it would just sit there on Christmas untouched.  Either way, it will not be an easy morning.  Jaylen's stocking will either hang on the hook alone, or be filled and not touched.  I think that is one of the biggest challenge of this whole process, no matter what you do, there is a constant reminder that your child is missing.  It's not a trial that can be solved or just go away, it is something that I will work through daily for the rest of my life. Will it get easier with time?  Probably...but it will never end or go away.

At church yesterday in my Sunday School class, we were having a discussion on families being together forever. A sweet woman, who is probably in her late seventies, told a story of her first child, a daughter, who passed away in her womb at seven months.  As she began to tell of her story, she got extremely emotional talking of this child that she looks forward to being with again.  Listening to her, talking about the child she has been missing for all these years really effected me.  This sweet woman, still all these years later, mourns the loss of her sweet child.  I think of my sweet grandmother all the time also.  She lost a daughter, three days after she was born, unexpectedly.  My grandmother is almost 94 years old and has gone all these years missing her daughter.  The thought of being apart from Jaylen that many years is daunting. It did make me realize though, it will get easier, but missing him will never go away.  I don't think there will ever be a day go by where I will not think of Jaylen and miss him until that day I am reunited with him.  Whether it be a few short years or fifty, I will mourn for him and look forward to the reunion.  

My grandma and grandpa a few years before his passing.
She is an inspiration to me and one of my heroes!!

  
We head out to Utah on Christmas Day to spend some time with family and friends.  I look forward to being with them.  I'm grateful for the family and friends that I have.  I could not survive each day without them.

Dim Light

I think last week was one of the toughest weeks I have endured yet.  I'm not sure if it was because of the weather here or what, but it was one long week.  Moving from Utah to Texas you wouldn't think that an inch of snow would make the whole town shut down, but that is exactly what happened here.  I remember growing up in Utah and wishing so badly that school would get cancelled after a big storm, but rarely would that happen.  Last week I experienced the first winter storm in Texas and ended up not leaving my house for three days.  The kids schools shut down for two days, along with most businesses.  It was so different than what I have experienced in Utah and I think it added to my gloom.  Not seeing the sun shine, looking outside to see an inch of ice on the roads, then not leaving the house, it put me in a real downer.  I need sunshine.  I have always loved the warm weather, blue skies and the sun shining bright.  Sunshine brings happiness, just like my Jaylen.  

Fun in the sun are my favorite days

This Christmas season has been quite different from past years.  This time of year is usually my favorite.  I love Christmas music, love feeling the excitement in the air, but it's just not there.  I have not been able to listen to much Christmas music.  I have not felt the excitement around me.  All I think about is what is missing this year and what will not be here in the years to come.  It breaks my heart that I only got to spend two Christmases with Jaylen.  Nothing is better that waking up on Christmas morning and seeing the excitement on your kids face.  This year would have been the first year that Jaylen understood a little bit and I looked forward to experiencing that with him.  It just goes to show that you can't live for the future.  You have to live each minute in that moment because we never know what is to come.  I never thought that I would only get two Christmases, two Easters, two summers, one birthday, and so on.  None of us are promised tomorrow and now that this has happened, I know that I am not immune.  We always think it won't be us, but I can't think that way anymore.  

Our first appointment with The Warm Place was cancelled due to the weather and I was devastated.  My kids were devastated as well.  I know they have really looked forward to going and now we don't have our first group until January.   I also was looking forward to it because I have noticed my kids struggling more.  Kaia talks about Jaylen all the time and it is so hard.  She just doesn't understand, she wants to be with him now.  She told me the other day that she doesn't want to wait to see Jaylen, she wants to go now.  It is devastating to hear my five year old tell me these things.  One major challenge in all of this is as I'm trying to adjust to this new life and grieving, my kids are as well.  While I'm trying to figure out how to handle it all, I have to figure out how to help my kids too.  They are hurting, but when kids hurt, they don't always express in the way we need them too.  It becomes a challenge.  I've noticed that because I am hurting, I can become short with them and I don't want to be that mom, especially because I know now, more than ever, how precious our time is.  People tell me that hearing of my experience has made them a better parent.  I want to be a better parent as well, but at times I have nothing in me to give.  I hope that my children always know how much I love them and understand that this is an adjustment for all of us.  I think as kids, our parents make us feel so secure.  You never realize how much your parents went though, until you actually become a parent.   I hope that even though I make mistakes daily, my kids know that I am trying my best.

Jaylen at about 7 months old

We are headed to Utah on Christmas Day to spend time with family and friends.  It will be nice to be close to everyone again, but it will be another first.  The first time back in Utah since Jaylen's funeral. It will be the first time we head to the cemetery to visit our baby boy.  I know it will bring on a whole new set of emotions.  Sometimes I wish I could just push them all away and move forward, but unfortunately that is impossible.  My faith has really been tested this past week, I think more so than it ever has.  I have had questions that have never come to my mind before.  Sometimes it's easier to just go with the feeling rather than trying to figure it all out.  Those feelings that I felt so strongly in the beginning have left.  In the beginning, I felt arms wrapped around me so tight.  I felt so safe and protected, which seems impossible to feel in such a time of desperation.  As the time has passed though, the arms have slowly loosened to the point that I can't feel them anymore.   I feel as if I'm on my own trying to push through and at times I don't know how I'm doing it.  There are a few parents that I have been in contact with that all say the same thing.  We are so blessed with the comfort we feel in the beginning, it's something that you can't really describe unless you have experienced it yourself.  They all have said that the later months are where it gets tough and I'm starting to realize that now.  Somehow, someway it will be better one day, but it will be a long road with a lot of bumps on the way.  

My rock and best friend

I feel blessed that I have the love and support that I do.  I could not do this without my friends and family.  My husband still makes sure I am okay each and every day.  If I cry, his shoulder is there.  He is broken himself, but he never forgets about me.  I have friends who check on me constantly.  They may not think it's a big deal, but it means a lot.  Especially on those days where I'm living minute by minute.  Then, I have made friends with other women who have experienced this same tragedy, unfortunately.  I can honestly say though, we will be friends for life.  I look forward to a face to face reunion with them one day soon.  


The 21st day of each month is a dreadful day.  It is approaching quickly this month and it will be three months since I've seen my baby boy alive.  Three months since I felt his little warm body.  I miss holding him.  I miss watching him line his cars up one by one on the couch.  I miss the excitement in his eyes when he would see me first thing in the morning.  Three months feels so long, but in forever, it is a blink of an eye.  I hope the day Jaylen and I reunite, it will feel like it was just that, a blink, because it sure feels far away. 

Can I wake up yet?

My love!

I have sat down at the computer a few times this past week, but just have not had it in me to write.  I write to let my emotions out, along with making a journal of events so hopefully I will be able to look back one day and see that I "made it" through this horrible nightmare.  I've had a really up and down week, I don't know if it's because of the holiday season or what, but my emotions have been all over the place.  

Thanksgiving turned out to be a really good day for me, which I was grateful, but Mike struggled a bit.  I'm grateful that not all of our bad days are on the same day.  When one of us is down, it helps that the other isn't so we can be the rock for that day.  It's not always like that, there are days where we both really struggle, but fortunately there aren't too many.  We were able to spend Thanksgiving at my sister's house with a few other families that are friends of my sister.  It is so nice to have her so close.  I think it makes the holidays a little easier, not feeling so far away from home.  Texas feels like home now definitely, but Utah is always "home".  My family is there, my closest friends are there, and Jaylen's resting spot is there so I can't help but feel far away at times.  

Last weekend we took the kids to pick out a Christmas Tree.  This is our first year to have a real tree. I have always used an artificial one because I am horrible at remembering to water plants, flowers, etc.  Anytime I have had a plant, it has not lasted very long because I don't know how to keep it alive.  Anyway, when we moved we had to leave a lot of things behind because I rented the wrong size moving truck and we couldn't fit all our stuff in it.  We ended leaving our artificial tree (an unimportant item) and so it's our first year experiencing a real tree.  I love the smell of it.  I walk in my home and it smells like Christmas.  Decorating the tree was a hard moment for me though.  I couldn't help but think about Jaylen not being here to enjoy these moments.  I remember last year that within a few days of decorating,  Jaylen had broke maybe four or five ornaments because he would take them off the tree thinking it was a ball to play with.  By Christmas, I think I had removed almost all the ornaments on the bottom half so he could not get to them.

 As I was watching Kaia and Ian decorate the tree, getting so excited, I couldn't help but feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach.  I've always been pretty OCD when it comes to how my tree looks.  After the kids decorate, I like to go in and fix it to look how I would want it, but this year I didn't care.  The little things don't matter to me anymore.  As the kids were pulling out the ornaments, they pulled some out that they had made in previous years.  Some with pictures of them on them and it was funny because I looked at those ornaments and got emotional.  It made me realize that I will never have an ornament that Jaylen will make at school with his picture on it.  Of all my ornaments, that is one that I want, but will never get.  

As I was pulling out the stockings, there was no doubt that I was going to hang five of them. I was frustrated though because we don't have a fireplace with a mantle this year so I was trying to figure out where to hang them all together.  I have a shelf on our wall, but it only has four hooks and I was not about to leave Jaylen out. I ended up taping the fifth stocking in-between all the hooks.  I never want to leave Jaylen out of anything, even if he isn't here physically.  I sit here everyday wondering how this really is my reality??  My two year old son is not here to experience his third Christmas with us.  I still don't understand it.  There are days that I just wish I could wake up and it all be over, the nightmare was really a nightmare, and Jaylen be here, but that's not the case.  Some days I really do feel like I'm having an outer body experience and that I'm not really living this.  The range of emotions are just so out there.  

I miss him so much!!!

We were driving to church last Sunday morning, I was feeling a little emotional that morning and as I looked in the back seat, I could see Kaia was too.  I asked her if she was okay and she said "no".  We started talking a little bit about Christmas and how we get to go to Utah to see family in a few weeks. A few minutes later, Kaia says to me, "Mom, do you think when we go to Utah, we could build a stairway to Heaven, get Jaylen and bring him home with us?"  Talk about break my heart.  She says the sweetest things out of no where and I'm amazed at the thoughts she has.  As hard as this has been for Mike and I, I see in my kids, the hurt and confusion that they have.  I've always heard that the months after the accident are when it gets hard.  After the shock has warn off and the reality of it all starts to sink in.  I think for me, I go through a cycle of emotions and have since this all happened, but I can see my kids starting to struggle now.  I'm so grateful that we have The Warm Place to go to for them because I am at a loss on how to help them.  Mike and I are learning how to handle our own grief, then to watch Kaia and Ian struggle, but not be able to express what they are feeling is tough.  I have heard nothing but positive things about The Warm Place so I'm grateful that it is available to them and us as a family.  Our first real appointment is Monday night, so I am looking forward to getting them involved in it. 

After my marathon July 2012

Since all of this has happened, I have tried to think of how I can turn Jaylen's tragedy into something positive.  As I was on a run last Saturday morning, I had an idea come to mind.  Running has always been very therapeutic to me and after my brother died, I started running more and more.  The year after my brother passed, my family ran a relay race called Ragnar, in memory of him.  After that race, I started wanting to run more.  Since his passing, I have ran a few half marathons and completed my first marathon in July 2012.  It was a huge accomplishment and one I always wanted to do.  Anyway, running is where I feel close to Jaylen and where maybe I can make a difference.  The idea came to mind that I will start looking for races in my area that benefit a good cause.  As I started thinking about this, I know that me, as one person, can't make a difference, but if I get more people involved, maybe we, as a whole, can make a difference.  After I came home from my run last week, I got on the computer and emailed my family my idea.  I thought, if I can get them involved and they get their friends involved, maybe we can make a little bit of difference in someone else's life by signing up for these races, bringing more awareness to the cause and our entry fee going towards the cause.  So my thought was, I will use Jaylen's Spreading Sunshine for Jaylen Facebook page to hopefully post of races available to run.  Maybe as I post these races, people will want to join in, participate and post races that they are aware of too.  It would be good too because we're not only running for a good cause but getting in shape at the same time.  Not only would people have to run, I know they have walk-a-thons as well, where it may be easier for some who can't run or don't like to.   I don't know if it will ever be anything that will make a huge difference, but it is something that I look forward to do and maybe others will follow in my steps.  Jaylen was the kind of child that would've made a difference in this world if he had been given the opportunity, so I hope that even though he is not physically here, something good will come from this tragedy.

St. George half marathon January 2013

Ian, my sister and running buddy, Caron, with her son Jackson