Rambling...

Nights are so hard for me. I was prescribed some sleeping pills to help me sleep because I don't think I slept the first three days after the incident. Since taking one pill each night, I have noticed that it gives me about six hours to sleep. After that, I am up and can't go back to sleep. I don't like when I'm awake early because that is when my mind starts to replay all that happened that night and this past week. One moment I feel like I will be ok, then in a split second I am back to the pain and thinking, how am I ever going to go on without my Jaylen.  I don't know how I am going to do it??  It scares me to have to do it because I don't ever want it to be "ok" that my Jaylen is gone. It's not ok and it will never be ok!!!

We are headed back to Texas on Tuesday, I'm fearful to go back home and to the reality of it all.  Many of our neighbors in our neighborhood are not aware of what has happened and it is going to be horribly painful when someone asks, "where's Jaylen?"  When we are at home, my kids live to be outside.  They are always riding their bikes down our driveway.  As a family, we would go on family walks at least four times a week and the thought of trying to do that again is too painful.  Neighbors would always see us out and about and I know they will question where Jaylen is?  I'm sure the word will spread fast, but I'm just not prepared to go through it over and over again.  

A neighbor of mine hadn't realized that we were out of town, but text me today to let me know that she had been missing us.  We did a little small talk back and forth and at that moment, I realized that she had no idea what had happened.  It is heart wrenching to have to tell people.  It makes the person on the other end feel awful and me, as Jaylen's mom, has to break the news, which is so hard to because you don't want that person to feel bad either.  It's awful and something that no parent should ever have to do!!  

It's been a hard day for Mike today.  He has been so strong the past few days, but I could really tell that he was hurting today.  I think the thought of going back home and being in our home, where we
have created so many wonderful memories is going too be hard!!  Since the accident, we haven't been home for more than an hour or so to pack to come to Utah and at that time, our minds were so gone that I don't know what it will be like to be there without Jaylen physically present.  It will bring on a whole new set of emotions.  I know there will be a special feeling there, but along with that, there will be constant reminders that our baby boy is gone.  How does any parent go on without their baby?? It just seems unimaginable!!!

We were able to get out and go to sushi with some close friends tonight which was nice, but at the same time it's hard to fully enjoy myself.  I would catch myself at certain times smiling, which I know is good, but at the same time there is so much guilt.  I feel that by smiling, I'm ok with what has happened and that I'm ok with Jaylen being gone, but I'm not! I will never be ok and I hate smiling these days even though I know it's good for me.

While we were at dinner, Kaia was able to go to the Barnum & Bailey Circus that is in town right now.  I'm so grateful that my kids have been able to keep busy and have fun with family and friends.  I worry about how it will effect them once we get home and back to reality.  Kaia and Jaylen are best friends, they did everything together! What is going to happen when we go home, cousins are gone and Kaia realizes that Jaylen is not coming back?? How do I help Ian who loved his baby brother more than anything and was the biggest helper with him??  As a parent, you want to be so strong for your kids, but this is such a hard time to be strong.  I just pray that somehow, each day, Mike and I will be able to help them through this as well.  

A New Day

Today has been a better day, not easy, but better. It was the first day since Jaylen's passing in which we didn't have to think about funeral arrangements and saying goodbye to our son's mortal body.  I never knew how many plans and decisions have to be made, in such a short time, after ones passing.  I am so blessed to have such a supportive family that handled most of these things, but there were still a lot of decisions that Mike and I had to make.  The past week has felt long, minutes have felt like hours, and my days are blurred.

The funeral could not have been more beautiful. It was a cold rainy day, but as I stood by my beautiful son, before the casket closed, I continued to stare at his perfect little body.  I was fearful to what I would see or feel when I saw him the first time, but, it was the most peaceful feeling.  He was in a beautiful all white outfit, with his hair done perfect, and a smile on his face.  Mike and I would look at him and think that he was going to open his eyes any minute. He looked like an angel just sleeping.

The moments I had with him while in his casket , I found that I could not keep my hands off of him.  I could have kissed him, rubbed his body, messed with his hair for years if it was possible.  I just wanted to continue to watch my beautiful angel sleep, hold him, and let him know we are here.  Let him know that we are sorry, that if I could, I would trade places in a heartbeat. I continued to tell him to never leave us because the feeling of him close is the only thing helping these days. I feel him close, I have felt him in my arms, and even though I can not hold him physically anymore, his spirit is close.

     

We wanted to pick out a headstone before we headed back to Texas so it could be set before winter falls. In Utah, I have learned that there is a certain time frame of when the headstone can be set. It just so happens that my brother Brian's is ready to be set so we wanted it ready when his was being done.  Such an unrealistic feeling as my husband and I are sitting in chairs explaining to the

employer how to design our two years old graveside headstone.  It turned out absolutely perfect, but as I look at the printed copy, I just can't fathom that any of this is real.

After leaving the headstone store, Mike and I were able to spend the day with Mike's family.  They flew in from South Carolina and have never been to Utah so we wanted to show them around.  They are so much fun, it has been wonderful to have them around and get to know them better.

It's amazing how things are put into perspective when things like this happen. You truly never know what is going on in someone's life when you see them out and about. Mike and I stopped in a children's store today to get some warmer clothes for our kids since we weren't prepared for the cold weather here in Utah. As we were at the checkout, the cashier learned that we were from out of town. She was being so sweet, asking if we were in town to visit and we politely said yes. She continued to ask how long we will be in town and that it was great that we could be here for the amount of time we are.  In our minds we thought, if she only knew what we had endured this past week, she probably would have felt so bad. That is the hard part.  We walk around trying to hold our heads high and be polite, but inside we are in agony. It makes me realize that you truly never know what people are going through unless you have lived it with them.

Life is such a gift and we take it so for granted each day. You always hear the stories of others, but never think it will be you. The reality is, it is me, I am the one that lost her little boy and I will have to face each new day trying to heal from this devastating loss. I don't know how I will do it, but somehow, we as humans, learn to deal and move forward. I'm not looking forward to moving on, but I have other children who need me and I need them. I'm fearful of the dark days ahead of me, but am hopeful that one day I can see the sun shine again and be happy.

As hard as it is to move forward, I have felt Jaylen all around. I have already had some very special things that have happened. There is no denying that my little boy is right here with us, even

though we can't physically touch or see him and those are the only things that are going to get me through this.

Video - Our Son Jaylen

Jaylen Lucas Gardner from Paul Cardall on Vimeo.

The Next Day

As I got up this morning figuring out how to prepare for the events that are going to take place, I'm numb to the fact of what's in store. I have so many thoughts and feelings running through my mind, but no idea how to express!

Mike and I have felt so much love at time. It is amazing the strength that comes just through the love and support of others. We are so broken for the loss of our little Jaylen. He literally was the sunshine of our lives! He brightened our days, even when it was dark and dreary outside.

As I was just in the bathroom getting ready, all I could picture was Jaylen standing behind the bathroom door, poking his little head out at me, giving me a smile, then hiding again. It was a game that he loved playing! The difference this time is that after doing that a few times, he would run to me and give me the biggest hug and kiss. Oh, my Jaylen is so special!

I am in awe, as I witness the amazing things has already started since he has been gone with "spreading sunshine" on Facebook.

Jaylen's heart was and is pure gold and this is EXACTLY what he would want. I fear the days that are to come. The reality has not hit and when that day comes, it will be the darkest of all. Thankfully, Mike is the most amazing husband and father and I don't know if I could go through this with anyone but him. We have been each other's rock for years, but this time around we are going to need to be each others universe. I pray that we will continue to feel the comfort and peace that we have felt.

I hope that we can continue to trust that this is God's plan and live with the faith that we will see our sweet Jaylen again! He is our light, he is our world!

Obituary

Jaylen Lucas Garner
Sept. 25, 2011 ~ Sept. 21, 2013

It is with indescribable sadness we announce the passing of Jaylen Lucas Garner of Burleson, Texas, four days shy of his 2nd birthday. He drowned in a pool where he swam and played often on September 21, 2013 

Jaylen came to mortality ten weeks ahead of schedule on September 25, 2011 in Salt Lake City, Utah and spent the first five weeks of his brief life in a newborn intensive care unit at a local hospital. In fighting for survival at such a young age, he developed a zest for life. As soon as he could walk, he began exploring and could hardly be contained as he climbed on whatever obstacle came in his way. Always a happy child, his curiosity was as ubiquitous as his binky, his sparkling eyes and his charismatic smile. He loved balls of every kind and there was always a car or truck in his hands.
Jaylen is survived by his father and mother, Michael Clay Garner and Jane Cardall Garner who recently moved their family to Texas; brothers Christopher Michael and Ian Terrique, sisters Kaia Jane, Justus Itara, and Amaia Leilani; grandparents Duane Volker and Margaret Layton Cardall of Salt Lake City, and Loretta Lucas Garner and the late Henry Clay Garner of Orangeburg, So. Carolina along with dozens of loving and doting uncles, aunts and cousins.

A funeral service will be held Thursday, September 26, 2013 at noon at the Valley View 12th Ward, 2100 East Evergreen Avenue in Salt Lake City. Friends may pay their respects that same morning from 9:30 - 11:30 prior to the service. Jaylen will be buried beside his uncle Brian in the Salt Lake City Cemetery.

Messages to the family can be posted at: www.HolbrookMortuary.com

Jaylen Lucas Garner

Spreading Sunshine for Jaylen from Paul Cardall on Vimeo.