4...6...2

Tomorrow it will have been four years since Jaylen left us. A day that I hate reliving, but that day will always be there. September 21, 2013 was the absolute worst day of my life. Every year as this day approaches, I feel stuck in a sense because I hate knowing that was "the day" that took my son. Every day is hard without Jaylen. He is missed every single day, but September 21 is yelling "THIS WAS THE DAY!"  It's so hard to explain, but I never look forward to September because of it. 

Not only is September 21 hard, but only four short days later, is Jaylen's birthday.  September 25 should be a day of celebration. Watching my son grow another year older each year.  Planning birthday parties, ordering a fun cake, wondering what to surprise him with, but instead we are left with an empty chair.  We always have a birthday cake on September 25. We always celebrate what would have been, but it's a tough pill to swallow looking at the empty chair that doesn't get to blow out those candles.  It would be six candles this year, SIX!!  

It's hard to picture Jaylen as a six year old little boy.  All I can see him as, is that almost two year old little boy that carried a couple of cars in his hand, along with his bottle, and blankie. Then you can't forget about the pacifier that he constantly had in his mouth.  Today, he would be so different.  I'm sure he would still keep us laughing like he always did.  I'm sure he would be as handsome as ever, but I'm left to guess...it's tough.  

I often drive by Kaia's school during the day.  The time I usually drive by at, the kindergartner's are always out on the playground playing.  Every time I see them, I like to imagine that Jaylen is in the mix of those kids playing too.  I often catch myself looking, wondering if I can see him.  He should be there, but he is not. It's hard to believe that he would be in school, running around with those other kids. You never think that your child won't be there.  Sometimes now, it still feels unreal that it was my child that was taken, but then I'm also constantly reminded because he isn't here. 

On October 4 this year, Taysen will be turning two.  I have been holding my breath for Taysen to get to this birthday.  I have had so much fear, since him being born, that he wouldn't make it to his second birthday.  I never feared my children not making it to their next birthday, until it actually happened.  Now, I'm grateful for each birthday that I do get to celebrate.  With Taysen though, I'm not sure if it's because he is a boy and our first rainbow after Jaylen, but I have wanted nothing more than to get past his second birthday. I can only hope that it happens! When October 4 comes and goes, I will be so grateful.  Then I will just continue to hold my breath for every birthday to follow...with each of my kids. I can only hope that I get to watch them all grow into adulthood and far beyond. 

With all the pain we have from losing Jaylen, there has been so many blessings that have come into our lives as well.  Sometimes it is hard to see the blessings, but they are there and continue to come. Life is hard. After losing Jaylen, I liked to think that we wouldn't have any more hard things to go through, but it doesn't work that way.  Trials will always come, but it is up to us on how we handle them.  I'm blessed with a supportive husband and amazing kids to help us get through the trials together.  

As this four year angel-anniversary approaches, it's hard to believe that we have made it four years, but we have.  I remember thinking after Jaylen passed, 'how will we ever make it?' I thought a lot about that five year mark and we are only one year away from it. Just crazy.  We can do hard things when we have to. Life is hard, but that is what life is...we were sent here to learn and grow and that is just what we are doing. 

The First Day I'll Never Get

There are a lot of first I won't get with Jaylen, but as the new school year is approaching, my mama heart is aching a little more these days.  It's hard to believe that Jaylen would be starting Kindergarten tomorrow. When I think of Jaylen, all I see is that two year old beautiful, brown eyed, curly haired boy, just starting to learn this world. I look at 5 year old little boys all the time now and try so hard to envision what my beautiful boy would look like, only left to wonder. 

Starting Kindergarten is a time of so many emotions for any parent. It's the start of independence in a whole new way. Watching our children move on to that new found independence. As both Ian and Kaia started Kindergarten, I was emotional.  Not because of going to school, but the thought of how fast they were growing up, where the time had gone, what this new adventure would bring to them, and letting go a little.  With Jaylen, my letting go was different than I had ever envisioned or hoped for.  I had to let go long before I had planned to and in a whole different way. 

As I shopped for school supplies this year, I wanted nothing more than to be buying that Cars back pack and lunch box for my soon to be Kindergartner.  I would watch other parents with their young kids, doing that exact same thing, wishing that I had Jaylen there with me in that moment.  Why did Jaylen have to go so young?  Why does our family have to endure this trial? Why, why, why?? So many whys that we will not have the answer to until we are with Jaylen again.  

I so badly wish I knew and could understand why we experience the trials that we are given in this life. I know SO MANY incredible families that walk this same journey in grief, losing a child. It is awful and each time that I hear of a new story, my heart shatters a little more.  Couldn't it have just stopped after Jaylen?  I hate knowing that others have to experience this deep pain that truly is a life long sentence.  It does get easier with time, but the pain is always there. So many first that we have to go through life, left to wonder, rather than to experience.  

Tomorrow as I take that first day of school picture of Ian and Kaia, I will be picturing Jaylen standing on my front porch, wearing that back pack, giving me a big grin, as he is ready to leave the nest and start his school years. I won't get the real image, but I will have it in my mind.  My heart will hurt, but I will put on a smile because that is what bereaved mama's do. We have to or we wouldn't be able to survive these "first".

I'm grateful that since losing Jaylen, we have been blessed with two little angels that have brought life back into our home. I will get emotional on their first day of Kindergarten too.  Maybe not for the normal reasons, but that we made it to that day. When you lose a child, I think the fear of losing another one is compounded. We've experienced the unimaginable, so we know that it can very well happen again.  I look forward to taking that first day of Kindergarten picture of Taysen and then Trinity to follow.  I miss Jaylen so much. This is a big, anticipated first that I will not get, but amazingly enough, we pick ourselves up and continue to move forward. 

Added Blessings

Wow! It has been a long time since I have sat down to write.  There have been so many times that I have wanted to, but life has gotten busy for our family these past couple of years and as crazy as it has been, it truly has been a blessing!!

On April 17, 2017 we added a new addition to our family. Trinity Hope Garner was born at 33 weeks gestation, perfect and strong.  She spent 10 days in the NICU before joining our family at home.  Life has not slowed down since.  She and Taysen are 18 months apart.  None of my children have been this close in age and it's definitely a challenge at times.  Taysen still requires so much and can't quite understand when Trinity takes priority over him at times.  It is tough!  He loves his baby sister so much though and is so cute with her!  Always wanting to hold her and kiss her.

As I look at these two miracles that have joined our family in the past 2 years, I can't help but think of Jaylen.  There isn't anything more in this life I would want then to see him here interacting with his younger brother and sister.  I can only imagine what kind of brother he would be.  I also can't help but think of the role he played to get his siblings here.

Before we lost Jaylen, Mike didn't really want any more kids.  We had come to the agreement that we were done and our family was complete.  At times, I wasn't sure if I felt the same way, but we were happy and content.  About 2 weeks before losing Jaylen, I felt content and was confident that our family was complete.  The night we lost Jaylen that all changed. Immediately Mike and I both felt that we needed not one, but two more children.  I was surprised when Mike came to me and said that he had the impression in the hospital that we needed more because I had that exact same impression.

As hard and terrible as it has been to lose Jaylen, my mind often wonders if Taysen and Trinity would be here if it hadn't been for that terrible event.  I strongly believe that God is in control of our lives and plans are set before we even come here...so was this all part of the plan?  I think so. I'm not sure if Jaylen knew he needed to go in order to get his siblings here, but it crosses my mind.  Is that a crazy thought?  Maybe...but a lot of things in this life are crazy and don't go as planned. Ideally, I want all my children here, but I was given a different path to take and I've come to accept that.  Does it mean that I miss Jaylen any less?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! But I have accepted this path and decided to focus on the blessings rather than the incredible heartbreak.  Now, three years ago would I be saying this? Probably not, but it's amazing what time can do for one's heart.  My heart still hurts EVERY SINGLE DAY for Jaylen, but I can breath again.  I can laugh without guilt.  I can love my 2 youngest children with all my heart, be grateful that they are now here, and that our family is now complete.  We may feel incomplete because we don't get to have Jaylen with us physically here, but we know he is close.  We know he is watching over us and blessing our family.

So many wonderful things have happened to our family in the past couple of years and I can't help but think that Jaylen has played a role.  I miss him SO MUCH!!  I so badly want him here, but I am so grateful for the almost 2 years I got with him and the knowledge that I will get to spend eternity with him.  That will be a wonderful time.