Back to School

Family "back to school" activity
Texas Rangers game

Normally back to school is an exciting time, seeing the kids progress each year and starting a new chapter in their lives.  This year was a little different for me though.  As happy as I am that Ian is advancing to the sixth grade and Kaia is starting Kindergarten, there is a sadness within me too.  It's a bittersweet moment.  A year ago, I would have looked at this upcoming year as something to look forward to.  Kaia would be starting her first year in a "big" school as she would say.  She is no longer a little girl, but simply "growing up" as she put it to me bluntly the other day.  And yes, she definitely is growing up, which I am grateful to be able to watch and appreciate every day that I get with her, but I was not prepared to have an empty house without children in my care.

First day of 6th grade

 

I am a working mother, but have been blessed to be able to work from home.  Even though I do work from home, I still had to find care for my kids while working.  Not a big deal though because since I am at home, I spent less time in the car traveling, taking the kids across town, to and from daycare, along with traveling to and from my office.  It was a HUGE blessing when we moved to Texas and was able to have that opportunity.  I have had more time with my kids and I had a lot more time spent with Jaylen, which I would not have had otherwise.   Last year Kaia and Jaylen were attending the same preschool/daycare.  Kaia enjoyed school but Jaylen HATED being left there.  I couldn't help but reminisce this past Monday when I took Kaia to her first day of Kindergarten and think back to a year ago.  Jaylen clung to me every time we walked into that daycare, knowing that I was about to leave him for eight hours.  It tore me up inside EVERY time.  It was absolutely my least favorite part of the day, I actually dreaded it.  I would have given anything to not have to leave him there, but I knew that once I was out of his sight, he was fine.  The highlight of the day was going back to pick him up.  They have windows at the daycare where you can look into the classroom and see what the children are doing.  Most days when I would go and pick him up, I would watch through the window for a minute, waiting for him to realize that I was there.  The expression on his face, when he would notice me, was priceless.  The excitement that would come over him melted my heart because he was so excited to see me.  Once he saw me, I would head to the door and watch him run towards the door on the other side.  As I opened it, every time, he would just run in my arms, screaming "Mommy!!" so grateful to see me.  I don't know why that memory flooded my mind on Monday, but it did and I was sad.

First day of Kindergarten

I realized that I would never get to experience a day like that again.  A day that he would cling to me, not wanting to let him go.  I will never get a first day of Preschool with Jaylen, a first day of Kindergarten, a first day of Middle School, and so on.  I wasn't prepared a year ago to have all my children in school full time at this point in my life.  I thought I had more time, more time with one baby still at home with me.  More time to prepare for sending Jaylen off to so many "first" in his life.  Instead, I sent Jaylen off to a much different place, one that I was not prepared for.  I often ponder all the things that he is learning and doing now.  I'm sure that he is having many first that I am not able to be there for.

Most have seen the ALS ice bucket challenge going around on Facebook.  It has been so fun to watch as awareness has been made for this horrible disease.  I really didn't know much about it until this challenge started and we were challenged.  It was a good opportunity to be educated, along with educating my kids.  Kaia and Ian have loved watching all the videos come through.  Because of that challenge, many other type of challenges have been started.  As I logged onto Facebook this morning, I noticed that my sister in law had challenged me, and others, a new challenge.  To share what Jesus means to me.  I was a little surprised and thought about it for a moment.  A year ago, I probably would have been offended that she would call me out like that, but I know without Jesus, I would not be surviving this tragedy today.  The only peace and comfort that I have felt this past year is when I am trying to build my relationship with him.  I have learned so much in this past year, about Jesus, that has brought comfort.  There are still many days of darkness, but I cling to those moments of peace and clarity.  I have never prayed in my life like I have in this past year.  I am ashamed to say that it took losing my son to pour my heart out to God, but I'm grateful to know that he does not judge us and loves us unconditionally.

My parents are half way across the world right now serving a mission for their church in London.  I miss them deeply, but with technology these days we are able to FaceTime frequently.  The other day I was struggling and needed some comfort so I called them.  For that moment, I was their little girl again trying to find her way in this big world of mess.  My dad shared a scripture with me, "My son (he said daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.  And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes" D&C 121:7-8.   I'm grateful for having parents to help me through this trial and all other trials I have faced in life.  They are great examples to me and my family.  This life hard, it's messy and it's not because of this one trial, but for the trials that we all face daily.  I know that one day in the future though, I will have that moment once again with my precious Jaylen.  That moment where we meet eye to eye and he runs into my arms, yelling, "mommy!" 

I will hold you in my arms again, my angel!!

Grief...the Ugly Truth

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Grief as: deep sadness caused especially by someone's death; a deep sadness; trouble or annoyance.  As I read this definition I did agree, but I also feel that there is so much more that can not be described in words.  No matter how hard a bereaved parent tries to explain their grief, it is truly something one cannot understand unless they are, in fact, living it.  Grief is so much more than the words described in it's definition.  I have thought a lot about writing a post like this, but have always stopped myself because I truly feel that people are not prepared to know how ugly grief and being a bereaved parent is.  Being only about eleven months into this process, I am far from an expert, but I know now, what I did not know eleven months ago.  With each day, I have tried to stay positive and focus on my blessings, but it's been a hard week and I decided that it's okay to let people know the harsh truth.  So, with that said, this is not like most post of hope, but more of the dark side of grief.  I don't write these words as a cry for help or to alarm anyone, more to release so many thoughts in my mind and maybe paint a picture of what one parent goes though, day after day, after the passing of their beautiful child.  This is my grief....

Grief is waking up each morning, hoping that the passing of you child was just a horrible dream only to be reminded immediately that it is, in fact, very real

Grief is going to bed each night, hoping for a better tomorrow, only to know that the pain is still their and always will be 

Grief is shedding more tears than you ever knew were possible and it happening in the most unexpected moments 

Grief is not wanting to be alone because in those moments of being alone, it can be even darker

Grief is thinking about that dreadful day, every moment of every day, wishing that it wasn't true  

Grief is your heart breaking over and over again anytime you hear of another child passing, knowing the path the family who lost the child is about to embark on

Grief is meeting other bereaved mom's, so grateful that you know you are not alone, but so sad that they are a part of this ugly club

Grief is hearing your daughter say ten months later that she still remembers that night and ask, "Why did Jaylen have to get in the water?"

Grief is closing your eyes and reliving that night over and over again

Grief is not wanting to get out of bed, but know you have to 

Grief is knowing exactly how long it has been since your child passed, only to realize that most people have no idea.  Life goes on for everyone else, why we, as bereaved parents, wake up day in and day out, trying to survive one more day without a part of our heart and soul

Grief is missing your old self.  The life and person before will never be there again 

Grief is relating everything to "before" and "after" the accident

Grief is walking in a store with your husband and overhearing a toddler say "dad".  Looking at each other with they same thought, thinking that it came from the mouth of your angel child.  It sounding exactly like him 

Grief is going to the gym to hear the woman in front of you tell the worker that her son is turning 2 in five days.  Knowing that the child will probably make it to his second birthday, but maybe not.  Jaylen was turning 2 in a few days too...  

Grief is going to the swimming pool, hearing parents comment on how well my children swim.   Thinking, if they only knew what I have endured and why my children swim the way they do now  

Grief is going to the swimming pool because your children LOVE to swim, but have anxiety the entire time being there.  Not only making sure your own children are safe, but the many others, whose parents have no idea how quickly life can change

Grief is still having to deal with all of life's other day to day trials

Grief is looking at your beautiful child's pictures and ask, "am I really living this?" over and over, day after day...

Grief is seeing other babies, wondering if you will ever get the chance to love another baby

Grief is seeking to find answers, but in all reality won't ever have the answers until we are reunited

Grief is anytime you are out and see another child, close to the age of your child who passed, and a million thoughts come running through your mind.  What would Jaylen be doing now? Saying? Playing with? Favorite toy? To wonder so many things, along with staring at every little boy you see wishing that things were different 

Grief is letting your kids still live life, not let the tragedy ruin their childhood.  But have every fear in the world of something else happening to one of them.  Never thinking it could happen to you and now realizing that it so easily can 

Grief is knowing pain that you never knew existed and that the only cure is allowing time to heal.  With that though, the wound will always be there  

Grief is trying to move forward, but with moving forward, fiercely trying to keep my child's memory alive 

Grief is mommy guilt...not wanting to take any moment for granted, or yell at my kids, but it happens  

Grief is sleeping with your child's blanket every night since his passing, not wanting to wash it because it's one of the last things he touched 

Grief is not making dinners that your child loved because the memory of the last time you made it, he was here  

Grief is when people ask, how are you? and "okay" is the only thing to say because you, yourself, don't even know how you are. Or you do know how you are, but the person asking, isn't prepared for the truthful answer 

The list could go on and on.  There is so much to this process and no matter how much I write, there are no words that could describe what this "new" life is like.   I will not deny how truly blessed I am.  I have a wonderful support system.   So many loving friends and family by my side, but the truth is, it is still UGLY.  Grief is so ugly!  It is hard and I am exhausted!!  I saw a post on Facebook the other day of a father who lost his son.  He spoke of how he tries to be strong on most days, but for that one day, he was going to be sad.  It hit me hard because I truly believe so many of us living this "new" life try so hard to be strong.  People want to see that we are moving forward, living life, and not letting our loss take us down.  They don't want to know the ugly side of it so we put on our "mask" and let the world think we are okay.  I can't speak for all, but for myself, I'm not okay.  I buried my almost two year old son, long before he should have been.  I am the over-protective parent, the one always making sure my kids are safe.  This wasn't suppose to happen to me!  I don't believe this is something I would have signed up for, but for some reason it is a trial I am faced with.  I'm not okay, but I am surviving.  I am slowly trying to pick up the pieces that have been shattered, hoping that eventually they will piece back together.   The cracks will never be gone, but maybe together again.  I know I will never be whole again until we are all reunited, but until then, I am trying.  

August Already??

I sit today in disbelief that it is already August and summer is almost over.  In some ways I love that time is passing so quickly, but in other ways I wish it would stop.  One more day that passes, is one more day that I have been without Jaylen.  But with each passing day, it is one more day closer to seeing Jaylen again.  Oh, this battle with grief is so challenging.  Nothing is the same.  No matter how positive we try to be, there is always the "before the accident" and "after".  There are days I just wish I could escape that thought and let my mind and heart not feel.  Of course there are numb days in the mix of it all, but even with the numb moments, the thought of Jaylen is not out of my mind.  It is exhausting!!  I remember speaking with other grieving families early on in this process.  They all said that the months to come are what are hard.  In the beginning, you are living in such shock, and with shock brings confusion.  As the months go by, one by one,  the shock wears off, the confusion eases, and each day, is a new day, to adjust to.  Each day I wake up wishing the situation was different.  Each morning I wake up thinking that maybe it wasn't real, only to realize quickly that it is, in fact, very real.  With each new morning, your never know what the day will bring.  There are good days, but even on the good days, the thought of Jaylen is right there in the front of my mind.  I have often compared my grief to treading water.  It is extremely tiring, but if you give up, the outcome will not be good.  I am exhausted from feeling, thinking, wishing, missing my angel, but I still have so much to live for and that is what keeps me going.  Each morning I have hope for a good day, I seek to find ways to get through it positively and as I lay my head down each night, I hope for a better tomorrow.  

Just before leaving for camp

Ian had the opportunity to attend a grief camp last week.  I have felt so blessed for all of the resources that have been made available to us here in Texas.  I was not very happy with some of the staff at Cooks Children's Hospital the night of Jaylen's passing, but since then, they have been so good in providing services to help with our grief.  A camp called "Camp El Tesoro" is a week long camp for children ages 6-17.  All of the children attending the camp have lost someone very close to them.  There are licensed therapist at camp all week who work with the kids.  Mostly the camp is all about fun, but it is a place where kids can relate to one another and not feel alone.  It was a great experience for Ian.  As we were driving home, after being gone all week, we discussed how the week was.  You could tell he had a great time.  I was asking him about the other kids and his experience with them.  It was interesting to hear his response.  He looked at me and said, "Mom, you just never know what someone is going through.  I would ask someone their name.  Some would just tell me their name, while others would tell me their name, why they were there and who they had lost."  Ian isn't one for detail, but he realized that he is not alone.  He is such an amazing kid.  He misses his brother deeply, but his faith in knowing that we will all be together again is inspiring.  Some kids come to this earth and just get it.  They just have a clear understanding of what we are sent here to do, to learn and to grow.  I truly believe that Ian is one of those kids.  Of course, he is a kid and far from perfect, but he is wise beyond his years and has a strong love for Jesus and his Heavenly Father.  I'm so grateful for his example.  

Jaylen loved to stand and ride
the bike when we would go on walks.

It was pretty weird having Ian gone.  I have not had my kids away from me like that since before Jaylen's passing.  It was tough.  When my kids are in my presence, I feel like I have some control over what they are doing.  I have always been a very protective parent, trying to prevent anything bad from happening.  Which, I obviously have learned since losing Jaylen, that being protective doesn't always prevent tragedy.  We really are not in control and just have to trust in a greater plan.  Anyway, it was a big test on my part and the week was long without Ian home.  The first night that he was gone, Mike, Kaia, and I went on one of our regular walks.  It was quite different this time and a little emotional for me.  I couldn't help but to think back to a year before, going on one of our nightly walks, all five of us.  Who knew, a year later, that Jaylen would no longer be physically present, Ian would be at a grief camp and it would just be me, Mike, and Kaia on a walk.  It was another painful reminder of how quickly our lives can change.  There are constant reminders of what was and is no longer, but some moments sting a little more than others.  

March 2013, just weeks before our move to Texas

Kaia really struggled with Ian being gone as well.  I think she too realized how different life is.  Ian has been a good distraction for her the past few months.  She and Jaylen were so close, it took a long time for her to adjust to not having him to play with.  In that time, she and Ian don't necessarily "play" but I think they rely on one another's company.  With Ian being gone, I think she felt very alone again.  The first night that he was at camp, Kaia cried.  She cried because she missed Jaylen, which she has not done in a long time.  Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing the pain that my children feel with losing their brother.  With time, they have seemed to adjust and be "okay".  In those moments though, it is a strong reminder that they do still remember and hurt.  At times I have such guilt, knowing of what my children have had to endure at such a young age.  I feel that they are adjusting and responding to this trial in a positive way, but there are moments where I question and just hope that it will not have a negative impact on their life and future.  We talk about Jaylen freely in our home.  Crying is okay.  Feeling sad and missing him is normal.  With that though, I don't want them to be sad.  I want them to enjoy life.  As hard as it is for me at times, we have moved forward in trying to live a "normal" life and be grateful for all of the many blessings that we do have.  

I often find myself staring at other little boys, who look close to Jaylen's age, when we are out and about.  It is so bittersweet.  A smile is always on my face as I watch these sweet, innocent, little boys, living life.  But with that smile, tears always fill up in my eyes with thoughts of, "what would Jaylen be doing right now?"  "How tall would he be?"  "Would he still have to carry as many cars as he could every where we go?"  "Would he know how to swim by now?" and so on.  So many questions of what life would be like today if he were here.  Unfortunately, God had another plan for our family.  It is so hard.  The pain is deep.  The new life that we have been given is so exhausting, but we continue to trust and move forward.  I know Jaylen is very aware of us.  I know that he wants us happy.  As hard as it is at times, I am trying. I have come to realize that the pain and sorrow will never go away, but it will become more bearable with time.  I will never stop missing Jaylen.  I will always wonder what my life would be with him still here, but with that, I will continue to try and enjoy the life that I have.  I have so many things to be grateful for.