Angels in Heaven

The past ten months have definitely been some of the toughest months of my life.  Still today,  I wake up in disbelief of the reality that Jaylen isn't coming back.  Lately I have had so many dreams where Jaylen is here with us, only to wake up to the reality that he is not.  Many times while in those dreams, I don't want to wake up because I am aware of the reality, but I am still so grateful to have a little piece of my baby to hold onto at night in those dreams.  I like to think that is Jaylen's way of communicating with me and still being present in my life.  This new life is so hard.  After ten months, I am still trying to figure out how to adjust.  I have been so blessed to have amazing people come into my life because of this tragedy.  I hate the reasons behind our meeting one another, but I know there is no coincidence that I know each and every one of them.

Kayj Shumway

Laici was one of the first Mom's that reached out to me. She had lost her sweet Kayj, six months prior to Jaylen's tragedy.  What's interesting about Laici and the social media world that we live in now a days was when she lost Kayj, a mutual friend had posted something on Facebook asking for prayers for her family. I distinctly remember clicking on the link to Laici's page, staring at her beautiful family, looking at Kayj and my heart broke for her. A family that I had never met, but felt so sad for what they were going through.  Who knew that six months later, I would be that mom, that family, who lost their little boy and that the family I had seen a picture from six months before, would become a family so close to my heart now.

Through the same mutual friend, I was blessed to have Jenelle come into my life.  Jenelle lost her precious Brittany about ten months prior to me losing Jaylen.  Brittany was just shy of her fourteenth birthday and in the mix of hitting those fun, adventurous, teenage years.  She and her mom were building an everlasting bond that was cut short.  Brittany was growing into a beautiful young woman and with her passing, still continues to grow.  I have often thought that she is in heaven surrounded by all these beautiful angels, taking care of them until we can be with them again.

Brittany Lacy

Next I met Natalie, through Pinterest of all places.  Pinterest is not a place to actually "meet" people, but she commented on something I had pinned so I went to her page.  I couldn't help but feel a connection from the moment I heard of sweet Haylen.  Haylen passed away three months prior, to the day, of Jaylen.  This beautiful blond hair, blue eyed little girl just melted my heart when I saw her picture.  My heart broke again, knowing what this mom was going through and we started communicating.  Although I have not been fortunate to meet Natalie in person yet, we have become extremely close.  There is rarely a day that goes by that we do not converse.  Unfortunately, our stories are far too similar.  With that, I know that there is no coincidence in us becoming friends and having a close connection.

Haylen Lee

Along with meeting Natalie on Pinterest, I came across another mom, Kimberly, who lost her precious Weston.  The difference between Kimberly and all the other Mom's I have met, is that she is the only one who lost her child after I lost Jaylen.  Again, my heart broke when I heard her story, but this time, I was reaching out to her, letting her know that she is not alone.  That is one thing so difficult about this process, you feel so alone, but are far from it.  With that though, you wish you were the only one because this is not something that you would ever want someone else to go through.

Weston Robbins

Tausha came into the mix just a few months ago.  She was mutual friends with Jenelle and joined our group as another mother who "understands", unfortunately.  Tausha's son, Clark, passed away about ten months prior to me losing Jaylen also.  So she too is ahead in this so called "new life" that we have all had to adjust to.  She has since been blessed with another beautiful child, which has brought peace and comfort to her and her family's lives.

Clark Coates

I came across a blog of another mother, Andrae, who really touched me.  Andrae lost Miles about eleven months prior to me losing Jaylen.  I don't know how I came across her blog, but I know that there was no coincidence. Her words touched me to the very core.  Her insight on losing Miles is inspiring, although she is in pain, she can see the bigger picture.  She hurts deeply for the loss of her son, but believes in a greater plan.  By reading her words and coming into contact with her, she has helped me to continue to trust in a greater purpose and have faith.

Miles Kelly

Another mother who I have grown close to is Cherrie.  What's different about Cherrie is that she lost her sweet Kimberlee twenty-four years ago.  Not only do we share the common bond of losing a child, Kimberlee was born premature, just like Jaylen.  Learning of Kimberlee, it has reminded me of how fortunate I was to have Jaylen the two years that I did.  With how early he was born and how healthy he was, I do believe was a gift from God.  I watch Cherrie, her life twenty-four years later, and it gives me hope.  She is happy.  There are still days, all these years later, that are hard, but she has shown me that life does go on, that it can be good and full of happy memories.  Kimberlee has never been forgotten.  She has always been a big part of her family and continues to be.

Wyatt Dale

In my last post I mentioned Wyatt, a sweet three year old boy who was taken far too soon also.  His grandmother, Tracey, contacted me after losing Jaylen and we have since stayed in contact.  She has big plans to carry on these precious boys memory,  raising awareness for water safety and it's inspiring to watch the things she has put together.  It's been a blessing to be a part of her awareness and I hope to continue to help her in any way that I can.

I mention these women and angels because they have been such a huge blessing in my life.  Along with that, they are all amazing people.  Something we share in our loss too is that everyone of these children were taken tragically and unexpectedly.  I don't know that you can ever be prepared to lose a child, but with illness comes warning, which we did not have.  Another thing that we all share is a belief in God and that we have all tried to trust in his plan.  It may not make it easy, but it brings hope.  

Many people who have lost a child often feel as if they have done something wrong or are being punished by god, but that is so far from the truth.  These families that I have grown to love so much are all incredible families and none of them deserve to experience this kind of loss.  That is why I know this is not a punishment, but one more trial that so many are given in this life.  It has always been said that parents aren't suppose to bury a child, but what I am realizing is that not only does it happen, but it is far too common and not unusual.  Not only have I lost a child, my mom has lost one, both of my grandmother's have lost one (one who has since passed and been reunited) and my mother-in-law has lost two.  It's devastating to realize how common it actually is.  Living in a naive state of mind,  thinking it would never happen to me was such a blessing, but unfortunately living in that naive state does not save anyone from tragedy.  I am now realizing that it is truly a gift to get through this life without losing a child and I pray that my children here with me still, outlive me, although I know I am not saved from this type of loss to happen again.  I would hope that I have a hall pass from this point on, but I don't, so I truly try to cherish each day.  I make mistakes, I still lose my temper and yell at my kids periodically, but I'm trying to be a better mom and enjoy each little moment a little more.

A friend of mine asked innocently one day if I felt that a mother who only had her child for a few days or months versus a mother who raised her child to adulthood felt or should feel different than I did from losing Jaylen.  I thought it was a great question actually because I remember when I lost Jaylen, I thought about my mom.  She was trying so hard to console me and express how she understood.  I'm not proud to admit this now, but I was angry with her.  I didn't feel that she understood because she got to raise Brian to adulthood.  She got the toddler years, the hard teenage years, along with watching him be a father.  I thought that I was robbed of so much time that she was given with her son.  My mind has changed since those first moments of being angry with her.  Whether I lost Jaylen at two years of age or twenty, he is still my son and it wouldn't sting any less no matter the age.  

I have grown to love these women and have a huge amount of love for these precious angels too.  I strongly believe that their is no coincidence that they are all a part of my life.  I have no doubt that our children are all friends in heaven and I feel that our children had a hand in bringing them into my life.  Along with that, I feel their is a special spirit with each and every one of these children.  As you look at their pictures, you can feel it.  I know that I could not survive this tragedy with out the love and support from them.  As hard as it is to know what brought us all together, without them, I would be even more lost.  

This is a song that my brother wrote many years ago, prior to me having children, that I have always loved.  I often think of my angel mom friends every time I hear this song...

Paul Cardall - The Memory Lives On - YouTube

Making A Change

The past month has been a real roller coaster.  I sit here today in a numb stage, but the weeks before have been tough.  I feel as time moves on, the harder it is.  I think back to September and how different my life was.  Today though, I have become accustomed to my life now and because of that, it is one more reason this battle is so challenging.  I don't want to be accustom to life without Jaylen.  I miss getting up in the middle of the night. I miss cleaning up all the messes, spilled milk and cheeto hands all over my furniture.  I miss the laughter of my little boy.  I miss his little hands, full of cars, and his ten little toes. There is something about a babies feet that is just so cute and I miss rubbing his feet.  I miss his smile, his beautiful eyes that spoke so loudly.  I could go on and on about all that I miss, there are constant reminders of what was and will never be, but some how I get up each new day and face this challenge, seeking on how to learn and grow from this, rather than let it destroy me.  

Fourth of July was quite different this year.  I remember last year distinctly.  Mike and I had planned to take the kids to an event called "Fort Worth Fourth", but at the last minute Mike stayed home because we had a brisket on the smoker that we couldn't leave all day.  I ended up taking the kids by myself, along with one of our neighbor's child.  It was crazy!!  There were bounce houses, water games, face painting, and so on.  The thing that made it so crazy was that it was all free so there we tons and tons of people there.  Trying to keep track of four kids, all by myself, at an event like that was insane and by the time I got home that evening, I was grateful.  That night, we had sparklers for the kids and watched as the neighbors did fireworks.  It was the first year that we let Jaylen hold a sparkler (with assistance).  He loved it!!  Jaylen loved life! He brought excitement to everything we did, even though he was only a one year old little boy.  It's hard to explain, but to all that knew Jaylen, it's easy to understand.

This year for the fourth of July, Jaylen may have been absent physically, but his memory is being carried on.  I have been fortunate to have come into contact with an amazing woman, who lost her three year old grandson, Wyatt, in a drowning, a year ago today, actually. The day her grandson passed, her son, the father of Wyatt, said, "Mom, I don't want this to happen to another family."  Hearing her son say those words, she decided that she was going to make a change.  For the past year, she has been working hard on having life vest available to all children at local lakes.  Along with having life vest available to all children, she is also hoping to have scholarships available towards swim lessons for all children.  Eventually hoping that there will be life vest on every beach, coast to coast, along with swim lessons available for all.

I have felt so honored that this woman has wanted me a part of this process.  We had never met, but someone shared with her the story of my sweet Jaylen and she knew that we needed to meet.  This past Fourth of July, after being in contact for months, we were able to meet and embrace a long hug.  She is from a small town about 90 miles from where we live.  Each year in her town, they have a Fourth of July parade.  This year, she decided to do a float in honor of her grandson and Jaylen, on Water Safety Awareness.  Mike unfortunately had to work that day, but I  knew we did not want to miss out on this event so we headed to Graham, TX.  Two families, two tragedies, coming together to hopefully never have these little boys forgotten and maybe save a life by letting others know of our stories.  

After the parade, we headed to a local lake where life vest were handed out to all children.  It was really neat to watch the day unfold with these vest being available.  When we arrived at the lake, my kids immediately wanted to get in the water so I put the vest on them and walked with them to the water, keeping an eye on them.  As I sat on the shore line, I looked at all the children in the water, playing, without any sort of safety device on them.  It was nerve wrecking.  There were probably 70-80 people in the water and no more than ten of the kids in that water were using any sort of flotation device.  At that moment, I remembered a year prior, taking my kids to a local lake and letting them play in the water without any flotation device either.  I trusted that they knew their limits and I would not allow them to play in the water unless I was right there with them.  I was naive to how easily life can change, as I think so many parents are.  You always hear of the story, but never think that you will actually be the story.  Unfortunately, as I am living this nightmare, I am learning that it is not uncommon for a parent to lose a child.  It actually is far too common and if precautions are taken and made aware, hopefully we can at least prevent one family from living this same nightmare. 

Granbury Lake, July 2013

Slowly throughout the day, I watched as the life vest were put on all these children.  My heart went from feeling heavy to extremely full.  These children may never understand, but from a parent who has lost a child, I was touched at what was taking place.  I am amazed at what Tracey, Wyatt's grandma, has pulled together to make a change.  I am touched that she wants Jaylen's memory carried on and a part of all that she has done.  With each life vest that is handed out, we have put together a flyer, talking about water safety awareness and on the backside of it, Jaylen and Wyatt's stories are told.  All these life vest are free, because of generous donations, the only thing that is required when receiving the vest is that these children and parents hear the story of why we are doing this.  It was a very humbling day, but I left that evening with a happy heart.  It is tragic knowing what brought Tracey and I together, but I am so grateful to be a part of something so amazing.

Putting life vest on the children

 

From the day Jaylen was born, I knew my life would never be the same.  There was a spirit about him that is indescribable.  I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to be blessed to be "Jaylen's mom".  Although he is not in my arms today, he continues to live and good things are taking place because of him.  He has changed my life forever.  I am a better person because of him and as challenging as each day is for me, I am striving to be better with each new day.  I made that promise to be with him again and I will continue to better myself so I can be.