Grief Circulates

You would think that after almost 7 1/2 months, I would have this grieving thing down, but that is far from the truth.  Just when you think you have it down, there is a day that hits you so hard and it's back to square one.  Some days I can't believe that it has been as long as it has because the pain is so deep and fresh, but on most days it feels almost longer because it feels like it has been an eternity since Jaylen has been in my arms.  One of the hardest parts about this whole process is moving forward.  With moving forward, Jaylen becomes a memory rather than a reality and that is so hard to comprehend.  I don't want him as a memory.  I want the reality of my two year old running down the hall yelling, "mommy!" landing in my arms to give me a big kiss.  That was my reality and now all I get is to have are the memories.  It is so hard to comprehend as a mother, of what was, and what will never be.

I miss having this boy in my arms

I never realized how much emotions can continue to circulate over and over.  There are so many stages to grief and just because I have gone through the stages, that does not mean that they stop there.  They continue to circulate, going from shock to hurt to anger to numb to complete sadness.  Most of the time I think all those stages are combined into one too.  One thing that is so hard about that, when the sadness is so deep, I'm wishing that I didn't have to feel.  But when I am in a numb stage, there is a lot of guilt there because not feeling makes me think, "why am I not feeling? Am I okay that my son passed away?"  I should be broken constantly, but I know that if I was, I could not go on.  I think the only way for me and other grieving parents to survive this journey is to have those numb stages.  If not, it would be too difficult, but with that, there is the guilt of not feeling.  It's just one more reason that proves there is nothing easy about this.  As much as I wish I could say that it's okay and things do get easier, that isn't the truth.  Things just circulate and the body and mind continue to experience all stages of grief.  Do I think with more time, things will get better?  Of course, but I know that I will never be the same.  A part of me will always be missing and I will not feel complete again until we are all together again. 

There have been so many moments where I'm doing okay and within seconds, I will be in tears because something so minor could bring on a memory or a thought.  As I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago, my morning had been fine.  I was feeling good, but as we were sitting in our first meeting, I looked over at my two kids sitting next to me, tears just started streaming down my face because it was a moment and a reminder that Jaylen was not there.  As I glanced over at Ian and Kaia, all that came to mind was, "Jaylen should be here.  This is not the way it was suppose to be!"  Those moments that come on so unexpected are hard.  I had another experience this past Sunday that I had not had before and it was very emotional.  I happened to be sitting on the middle row, second to the front.  I had never sat in that row and no one happened to be in front of us that day.  I was enjoying the speaker, feeling pretty good, but in a split second, all that changed.  A flood of memory came back to that dreadful day, sitting in the church at Jaylen's funeral.  The last time I had sat that close in a church was at his funeral and all I could picture at that moment was me, sitting there, staring at my son's casket.  That is a memory that I don't like to have.  I tried so hard in that moment to turn my mind on to something else, but all I kept seeing was that little white casket, closed, and draped with flowers.  It's those unexpected moments that catch you so off guard.  It is inescapable and the emotions are overwhelming.  I don't like the bad memories.  As hard as I try, there are moments that I can not escape those thoughts though.  It goes along with that dreadful night.  There are moments when I close my eyes and all that comes to mind is that night and I relive it over and over.  I wish so badly that there was a way to never let those moments seek into my mind and that I could only remember the good, but it's impossible.  

I miss my crazy, busy life!

We have so many good memories, but no matter the memory, good or bad, it hurts.  The good hurt because it is a reminder that there will be no more with Jaylen and the bad hurt because of the obvious.  Recently I have felt like we have been adjusting to our new life and moving forward. The other night though, Mike and I were sitting in our family room together.  I'm not quite sure what Kaia and Ian were doing in that moment, but as I sat there, I was so bored.  It wasn't a bored of nothing to do, it was more a bored with life.  Bored with not having a toddler to take care of.  Kind of like how it felt the first few days after we had come home from being in Utah for the funeral.  Jaylen brought so much excitement and energy to our family, along with the time that it took taking care of a toddler.  We have started to adjust, but there is still such an emptiness and life is just more boring without him.  We still continue to make memories and have fun as a family, but the energy is different.  The energy that a two year old brings to a family is hard to replace.  There is just something so special and irreplaceable about a young spirit and what they bring to a family. 

Easter was a special day for me this year.  I think it was the first year that I truly understood the meaning behind it.  I have always loved holidays, but never really reflected on why or what we are celebrating.  This year I focused more on what Easter is truly about and I now feel that Easter is, by far, my favorite holiday.  It has kind of turned into my "Jaylen Hope Day".  Because of Him, Jesus, I will be with my son again.  I am so grateful that someone was willing to sacrifice his son, so I can be with my son again.  Having lost my son, that had to be a HUGE sacrifice to know what his son was going to have to endure for all of us to be saved.  I'm grateful for the things that I am learning.  They give me hope, even when the light is dim.  I will be with my son again.  As much as my faith has wavered at times, that is one thing that I have never doubted.  This life here is definitely not the end, it is only a stopping point to eternity, and I am so grateful for that knowledge.

Getting Settled

It has been a couple of weeks now that we have been in our new house and we are slowly getting settled.   Pictures are on the wall, rooms are put together, and it is starting to feel like home.  Moving day was pretty emotional and even more so the night before.  We packed up the truck the night before so the four of us slept on the floor that evening.  I fell asleep pretty quickly, but for the first time in a long time, I woke up at about 4 am with tears streaming down my face.  So many emotions came over me as I prepared to close the door to the last home that Jaylen lived in.  My mind could not stop thinking about all the love that was built between those walls.  All the good times, the laughter, the dancing, the joy of just being together, all five of us.  I grew really attached to that home and I was afraid of what was to come.  I layed there for about 2 hours, thinking and crying as I waited for everyone else to wake up.  When I got up, I decided to go to the back yard and look over the playground one last time.  To reminisce of all the times I saw the kids playing with huge smiles on there face.  As I opened the door, the sun had not come up yet.  It was a beautiful time of morning and as I looked into the sky, I saw one lone star, shining bright.  I felt as if it were a sign, telling me that everything was going to be okay.  As hard as losing Jaylen is, I feel so strongly that he is very aware of me.  I ache for him daily.  I have guilt that his life was a short 2 years, but with all of that, I know he wants us happy.  He wants us to move forward in our lives and live.

The drive to the new house felt long.  Kaia rode with Mike in the truck, so Ian and I were able to talk and express some feelings on the way.  Ian is quiet with his feelings most of the time so I constantly worry about how he is doing.  He has a very tender heart and a deep love for his family so I always pray that he is handling things okay.  He told me that he was excited for the new house and the move, which I am grateful.  With this move, Ian has started his forth new school since starting kindergarten.   He is such a trooper and gets excited for each new start.  I always worry about moving him so much, but feel blessed that he adapts so well.  He is an amazing kid and I'm grateful for his positive attitude. 

As we arrived at the new house, we were welcomed by probably twenty people there to help.  We were able to have the truck unloaded within about 30 minutes.  One by one, people would walk into our new home and express the feeling that they felt in this home.  It was something very special.  I would have to agree.  The moment we unlocked our new front door and stepped foot into the house, it felt like home.  I knew Jaylen was with us.  In all reality, I feel he was there waiting for us.  I've always heard that love is what makes a home, but never really understood that until now.  Our home is built on love, not the location or things inside of it.  The moment we walked into these new doors, it felt like this had always been our home and that is  because love travels and Jaylen will always be where his family is.  Since getting settled, Mike and I both have had some very special, individual, moments that Jaylen has not left, but just as much a part of us here as he was in the last home.  

There is so much that comes with death.  Emotions that I never knew were possible. The roller coaster ride is exhausting and many times I just want to get off.  My life before the accident was becoming better than it had ever been.  There was a happiness the we, as a family, couldn't deny.  I have always felt that each one of my kids came into my life, at the specific time that they did, for a reason.  Each child has brought something extremely special to our home and came at a time when they were needed.  Jaylen was the glue that brought us all together.  He brought a happiness into our home that had not been there.  We were happy before, but the spirit that came with that little boy just radiated and you couldn't help but smile constantly.  With that, I can't deny that God's hand is in everything.  I think Jaylen knew what his mission was before he came here and he fulfilled it completely.  He knew what his parents needed.  He knew his time was going to be short and he was going to make the most of it.  It's difficult to accept, I still ache daily for him, but I would do it all over again, even if I knew I would lose him again.

This past Saturday we were able to participate in our first 5k as a family, spreading some sunshine, and having some fun.  It is called The Color Run.  Also known as the Happiest 5k on the Planet, which I thought was the perfect race to run considering Jaylen was the happiest kid I knew.  As you cross each mile marker, they have people there to throw color powder all over you.  My sister and her family participated with us and everyone had a great time.  The kids particularly loved getting splashed with color and it was so great to see the smiles on their faces.  After the run, Ian told me that he couldn't wait to sign up for the next one.  It may not always be a color run, but I do hope to participate in many more, where we can wear our Jaylen shirts and help raise awareness to which ever cause we are running for.  This particular race was working with a charity for Colon Cancer.

As challenging as this process is, blessings are being received daily as well.  My life will never be the same.   I miss my baby boy more than words could ever express.  The tears still come almost daily, but we are adjusting.  I struggle daily with the fact that as time passes, Jaylen is becoming more of a memory than a reality.  I don't ever want it to be that way, but with time, that's what it brings.  No matter how much time passes though, Jaylen will always be a huge part of our family.  I will work daily to be better so I can get back to him.  I will never forget the promise I made to him right before we had to close his casket.  I leaned over, telling him over and over that I will do all that I can to get back to him.  I have started that journey.  I am doing all that I can to learn, grow, and become the best person I can be so I can get back to him.   It's not easy, but I know it will be worth it.