Empty Hand

Every morning I get to take Kaia to school and drop her off.  We park the car down the street from the school and walk a little ways so we aren't caught up in the traffic.  Each day as we get out of the car, Kaia reaches for my hand and we walk, hand in hand, until she reaches her school doors.   I look forward to that small moment each morning with Kaia.  Something that I know won't last forever, but cherish that for now, she wants to hold my hand.  

Most mornings it is hectic as we get to the school because so many parents are dropping their kids off.  As I watch these parents, a lot of them have their younger children with them as well.  It makes me wish Jaylen could be there with me to send Kaia off each day.  One morning, like most, I walked Kaia to the school doors and started heading back to my car.  As I looked up, there was a mom in front of me, walking hand in hand with her toddler.  The little girl couldn't have been more than two.  At that moment, emotions filled my entire body as I tried to hold back the tears.  My hand never felt so empty.   The moment I got to my car, I lost it.  I hadn't had a good cry in awhile and I let it out.  Those are the moments that are so hard.  The unexpected flood of emotions.  Waking up to a decent day, just to be reminded once again that my baby is gone.  I will never get to hold his hand again in this life.  I will never get to walk him across the street to school.  The last time I held Jaylen's hand, he had already slipped into the next life.   

There are so many moments in life that are taken for granted.  Before losing Jaylen, holding my child's hand did not mean the same.  Of course I still enjoyed it, but it was something I took for granted.  Now, each time Kaia reaches for my hand, I squeeze a little tighter and hold on to the moment.  It is something that I look forward to.  It's amazing to realize all the simple things that are taken for granted.  I'm guilty of it myself, even today, but I am more aware of what is important.  Most are more considerate of complete strangers than they are their own family members.  We take for granted the things closest to us because we think they will always be there.  When in reality, family is everything and life can change in an instant.

One thing I can tell you about grief is that it teaches you to love a little harder.  The small, simple moments are big moments now.  Kaia reaching for my hand, warms my soul.  Ian giving me a hug, makes my heart a little fuller.  I'm still so new to this process, but in a way, I feel as if I have learned so much.  It is a lesson I never wanted to learn, but I'm here so I'm trying to figure it out.  I think back to a year ago, life was so clouded.  The sun was shining bright most days, but all I saw was gray.  I'd wake up each morning wondering how was I going to survive another day?  There are still mornings where I wake up feeling that way.  There is still a lot of gray, but I can slowly see pockets of sunlight coming through now.  Life will never be the same.  I will miss Jaylen until I am reunited with him, but he has taught me more in my life than I could have ever imagined.  I would never trade the two short years that I got with him.  I feel lucky that I got the time that I did.  It has made me realize that truly, this life here on earth, is only a stopping point to eternity.  I know Jaylen lives.  I know my brother Brian lives and I know Jesus lives.  I'm not ready for that next step yet, but I do look forward to the day that we are all reunited.  

One Year...Really??

Looking back on this last year I can't believe that the calendar already says October 2, 2014.  Was it really over one year ago that I lost my beautiful Jaylen??  One year of sleepless nights, distraught, blurred days and trying to make sense of life now??  Some days it feels like it has been an eternity since Jaylen left this world, moving on to the next step towards eternity, but other days it seems as if it was just yesterday.  I still feel stuck as I try to move forward, but never wanting to leave Jaylen in the past.  Trying to figure out how to still build positive memories, but keeping Jaylen still included.  Even though he is not with us physically, I still feel that he is very much a part of our family and that will never change.  I have three children and Jaylen is one of them.  

This past summer was extremely hard for me.  I'm not sure if it was because that year date was slowly creeping up on me, but I really struggled.  I was probably lower than I have ever been since losing Jaylen. There were days that I was literally living minute by minute, wondering how am I ever going to survive this tragedy?  I miss my baby boy so much!!  Words will never be able to describe what it is like to lose a child.  You CAN NOT understand unless you are walking this path and my heart hurts so badly for every parent that does understand.  With that though, time slowly crept into September and I had to prepare myself for that dreadful "D" day anniversary, along with what would have been Jaylen's third birthday to follow only four days later.  Along with preparing for that, I still needed to make September a good month because Kaia was born in September and we always want to make her birthday special as well.  

At Peter Piper Pizza for Kaia's 5th Birthday

 I remember Kaia's birthday last year.  We had gone to Peter Piper Pizza with a few friends.  I remember watching Jaylen, thinking about how fast he was growing up and how fun it was to watch him try and be like the "big kids".  My heart was so full that night.  I had all three kids with me, smiling, laughing, and having the time of their lives.  That night was exactly one week before tragedy struck.  I cherish those moments and am so grateful that we have so many positive memories together. 

This year for Kaia's birthday all she wanted to do was go to Chuck E Cheese so we agreed.   It was hard for me to be there, but I put on a smile and made Kaia's birthday as positive as I could.  What was hard about that night is that Jaylen was not there.  Memories of a year before came flooding back and how badly I wish he was still with us.  I think that is what is so difficult about this whole process.  Everything we do now is a "before" and "after."  Everything we did a year ago, Jaylen was with us and we have so many great memories.  We have still made some really great memories this past year, but it is not the same and never will be.  With that too, we are now on to year two and a year ago, the nightmare had just begun.

For many months I contemplated on what to do to make September 21-25th of each year special now.  Last year was such a fog to me, especially that week, but one thing I remember vividly was all that sunshine that was spread during that dark time.  My sister in law had come up with the idea immediately after hearing about what happened to Jaylen and that is kind of how "Spreading Sunshine for Jaylen" was started.  I can not thank her enough for having the idea.  In lieu of losing my little boy, good things were taking place and it made my heart feel a little less empty.  With the way it made me feel last year, I decided that I wanted to turn the week of September 21-25 into a week of "Spreading Sunshine" for years to come.  

This past September 21st we spent the day together as a family, doing something that Jaylen would love.  We spent the morning at Six Flags over Texas, then went to lunch.  That evening, with many people in the community that we have grown to love, we released 200 yellow balloons and 1 white, representing Jaylen's first angel year,  into the beautiful Texas sky.  It was a beautiful moment and there is no doubt that Jaylen was aware and present on that night.  That was the start to a dreaded, but beautiful week.  As I witnessed the many people that participated in Spreading Sunshine, along with the recipients who shared of their experiences, I felt a feeling of happiness that I had not felt in over a year.  I struggled for months thinking about this week, but it turned out to be probably the best week I've had in the last year and I know it is what Jaylen would want and was hoping for.  

What I've come to realize about the Angel day is that it is a day for everyone else to remember.  It is no different that the Monday in April, or the Thursday in July, that I woke up to another day without Jaylen.  For so long, I was so worried about how I would feel on that day and the emotions that would be there, but in reality, that day was easier than most days I have had this past year.  Everyday is an anniversary to me because everyday is one more day without Jaylen.  With that though, with each passing day, it is one more day closer to us seeing Jaylen again.  I have learned through grief and this process that time, either way, is not your friend.  I dread waking up each morning, just to add one more day without Jaylen, but I also know that time won't stop and eventually time is what will have my family all back together again.  

Jaylen's angel week could not have gone better.  I am so grateful for the lives that were touched that week and feel so honored that so many people wanted to share my Jaylen with the world.  To most, he is just a beautiful little boy who went home too soon, but to me, his Mama, he is everything.  My heart was so full because for one week, my everything, was a part of so many others lives.  I think for all parents who have lost a child, one of the biggest fears is that their child will be forgotten.  For one week though, my child was not forgotten, but remembered and made aware of to so many.  

Still, one year later, I wake to a new reality.  Every morning is still a slap in the face.  The day Jaylen left us, my biggest fear in all of this was that we would forget what it is like to have Jaylen in our daily lives.  What's hard is that the fear has come true.  The memories will never be forgotten.  The love for him is just as strong as it was the day he was born, but the reality of taking care of him and having him actually in home is no longer there.  Yes, we feel him near, but the void of that physical presence and the hands on of taking care of him, is huge.  We have adjusted though, that fear has come true, and it's just one more thing about this ugly reality.  

Life is short.  I never thought I would make it through this past year, but it has come and gone.  I am now on to year two.  There are many who have said year two was harder than year one.  If that's the case, I am not looking forward to it.  No matter what, whether it is year one or year thirty, Jaylen will always be in my heart.  There will always be that deep pain from the separation, but there is hope.  Hope that we, as a family, can still have a happy future.  Just because we can't physically touch Jaylen, he will always be with us.  We have an angel in heaven watching over us, guiding and directing us.

My Angel! Cheering us on from the other side now