My Hardest Test

The past few weeks have been a real struggle.  I'm not sure why, but I just can't seem to find comfort in anything.  From the day that I lost Jaylen, I lost who I was before that day.  My whole perspective on life changed.  What mattered before, does not mean the same to me now.  From the moment I was told that Jaylen didn't make it, my whole world came crashing down and I have had to fight the past eight months to rebuild.  There have been numerous days where I have had clarity, which has been a gift, but there have also been numerous days of feeling so lost and confused.  I was in the shower the other day, reflecting on my life.  Thinking about all the trials that I have had to face.  I stood there, water running down my face, my heart racing, jitters throughout my entire body, because at that moment I was pleading with god to understand.  This is by far the hardest test I have had in my life and I know that it will continue to be for a long time.

Looking back on my life, I have seen how with each trial, I have grown and learned so much.  I know that is the reason that each of us are given test in this life.  At times though, it's hard to understand why certain trials are given.  Losing a child is every parents worst nightmare, but none of us are spared from the possibility of that happening.  I have met so many amazing parents who are facing this same trial and I question each time, "why?"  What are we suppose to learn from this?  I have often thought about if Jaylen knew prior to coming here, that his time would be short and I have to say that I believe he knew.  I have spoken with many other parents who have felt the same about their child that has passed.  It's so hard to comprehend, but I have said before, I felt something very special about Jaylen from the day he was born.  Every time I held him as an infant, his eyes spoke to me as if he were letting me know.  At that moment, I didn't know why I had the feelings that I did, but as I look back it all makes sense.

My greatest gifts

I have often asked myself if I were to have known prior to having Jaylen that I wasn't going to have him long, would I still have brought him into this world? Honestly, at times I have wondered because I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone, but then I think about my beautiful, brown eyed, curly blond haired boy and I would not change one moment with him.  I would bring him here again and again to have two short years with him.  The day I delivered him, I knew he was going to change my life.  At that moment, I didn't know how, but I knew.  He not only changed my life the day he was born, but my life continues to change each day because of him.  I wake up each morning striving to be better so I can be with him again.  My desire to learn more about our Heavenly Father and his plan is because of my beautiful baby.

Mike and I were sitting on our bed the other day just talking and out of no where, Mike says, "Dang, I miss that boy so much!"  To hear those words vocally, from my big, strong husband really struck me.  Men and women grieve so differently.  Mike does not voice what he is feeling very often.  I think as a mom, I tend to forget that Jaylen is just as much Mike's son as he is mine.  I tend to forget that the love he has for Jaylen is as much as my love.  Because he is quiet with his thoughts, I tend to forget how he is feeling because I am so focused on dealing with it myself.  He has shown so much strength through all of this.  He has been such a support to me as I have tried to go on with each new day and make sure that I am okay.  He hurts though.  He may not vocalize it very often, but it has been and is a battle for him each and every day too.  I'm so grateful that he does express his thoughts at times though and knows that he doesn't always have to be strong.  He and I have been through a lot, like most couples, but I am grateful that we have been able to overcome our challenges and grow closer to one another.  I could not do this without his love and support and am so grateful for him.

Each new day is a struggle.  There are days even now, eight months later, that I don't want to get out of bed.  Some days, I feel that it is almost harder now, but I won't give up.  There have been numerous days where I want to give up, pull the sheets over my head, lay in bed and waste my days away, but I have two other children and a husband to live for and they are the reason I get up each day.  I often think of parents who lose their only child and wonder how they do it? Then I think, I use to be the parent who wondered how any parent deals with losing a child. I never wanted to know.  I said prior to all this, "I couldn't go on if I lost a child".  I have had numerous people say to me now that they couldn't do it and don't know how I do, but some how it is done, just like facing any other trial in life.  I wake up each day for my kids here.  I wake up each day because Jaylen wouldn't want it any other way.  And I wake up each day because God has a plan that is much greater than I can understand.  My faith has been tested more than it ever has.  I have questioned things that never crossed my mind prior to losing Jaylen.  I have doubted things that I never thought I would doubt.  It truly has tested every amount of faith I have ever had.  It has made me seek harder and pushed me to limits I never knew were possible.  I have been blessed with amazing people in my life though, who, when the light is dark, I go off of their strengths and testimonies.  I struggle, but I am trying to have faith, even in doubt.  With faith, brings hope and if I don't have hope, then what would I have? 

He understands...

Camp Morning Star

Mother's Day 2013

 A year ago on Mother's Day, my life was very different.  We were new to the Dallas-Fort Worth area and weren't sure of what we should do that day.  We had heard of a place in Fort Worth called The Stockyards, which is pretty popular, so we decided to check it out.  It is like an old western town.  Shops, bars, restaurants all lined up and down a street.  Then they have men/women riding horses in old western attire.  A gun fight show, a few rides for the kids, a maze and so on.  It was a good Mother's Day.  Who knew that a year later, on Mother's Day, I would be at a grief camp, Camp Morning Star, for families who have lost a child.  What a difference a year can make.  I would have done anything to have that day back a year ago, but instead, my family traveled 90 miles this weekend to attend camp with other families who have experienced our same loss. 

I feel so fortunate for all of the resources and support that have been available to us since losing Jaylen.  As difficult as it is to be involved in some of the things that we are, it has been a blessing to have the support and to be around other families in our same situation.  We were a little hesitant to attend this camp, just like anything that has to do with our grief and losing Jaylen.  We never know what to expect and it can be intimidating.  I was grateful that we were able to attend though.  It has been a hard couple of weeks.  I'm not sure why, but it feels as if I lost Jaylen yesterday.  My heart has felt like it is going to explode, my mind does not shut down, and I have had dreams where I wake up crying and punching pillows.  I enjoyed "escaping" this weekend.  I was worried that my emotions would be at an all time high with the way that I have been feeling, but overall, it was a place to have fun, be around others who understand, and be reminded that we are not alone.  I was worried that the camp would focus on our grief the whole time, but it was quite the opposite.  The majority of the time, we were involved in fun activities and we were going non stop.

Each night, after dinner, we would gather as families and do a memorial project.  Anytime I have to think of the reality, it is difficult, but I try and put on a brave face for my kids to make it a positive moment for them.  Yes, tears will stream down my face, but I will have a smile while doing it.  I've noticed that anytime I cry and my kids are around, they notice quickly and looked concerned.  I try to always remind them that it is okay to cry.  My tears are a sign of my love for Jaylen and that my heart hurts heavily because I miss him.  Sometimes it causes my children to feel that sadness too, but most of the time, they hug me and it is a tender moment.  While doing these memorial projects though, it was a struggle.  Not only for the fact of having lost my own baby, but to see numerous other families dealing with the same loss.  Each time I heard one of their stories, the hair would stand up on the back of my neck, goosebumps would form on my skin, and I would get choked up.  I understood their pain and my heart hurts because of that.  

As difficult as it is to hear of others stories, there is a sense of appreciation to know that we, as a family, are far from alone in this journey.  I would never wish this kind of pain on my worse enemy, but truth is, children pass away every single day and it brings comfort to be around people who truly understand.  I felt "safe" in a sense being at this camp.  Especially it being over Mother's Day weekend.  It was a place where I didn't have to put on a brave face for the world that has no idea what I have endured the past eight months.  It was a place that if I smiled, I didn't feel guilty because every one knew that behind that smile, I have lost something so special, but that it is still okay to smile.  If tears started streaming down my face, I didn't feel like a crazy person because everyone around me knew what the tears were about.  There is a quote that I have seen numerous times that is so true.  It says, "It's hard to explain to someone who has no idea.  Feeling pain and sickness on the inside while looking fine on the outside".  It is so true and I was grateful to be surrounded by people who did truly understand.

What we are really saying behind the word "fine"

We met so many wonderful families and as we left to come home, a part of me wanted to stay.  I wanted to be in that "safe" environment where I didn't have to come back to the reality.  The reality of living day to day life, being in public and having to hide my pain.  We were at the gym last week and prior to working out, I was checking Kaia in the daycare like usual.  As I was checking her in, I heard one of the workers say, " Hi Kaia", then I heard, "Hi Jaylen".  It startled me and for one second, I looked up to see where my baby was.  For a second my mind said, "it was just a bad dream, he's really here!" But that reality changed quickly when I did look and saw that he wasn't there.  Come to find out, one of the employees who works there, name is Jaylen and he happened to walk in just as I was signing Kaia in.  To hear, "hi Kaia and then hi Jaylen" was music to my hears.  I never thought I would hear that again, but it was also a harsh reality.  Those are the reasons that I wish I could hide from it all some days.

Kaia has been begging for us to go swimming lately.  None of the local pools are open yet and the only other pool we know of is at my sisters.  I have thought about the day where we would go back to her pool since the night of the accident.  It has caused a lot of anxiety because I have not wanted it to be a place that I hated.  I have been to my sisters house numerous times since the accident, but have not spent time in her back yard.   A week ago, for Kaia, we decided to make the drive over to her house and swim for the first time since September 21, 2013.  My stomach was in knots the entire way there.  The unknown was scary of what I would feel once we were there.  My sister happened to not be home when we arrived so it was just the four of us in her backyard.  Pools in Texas usually aren't heated because it gets so warm here, so the pool was quite cold when we got in.  Because it was cold, we didn't spend much time in it, but rather laid on the side, enjoying the beautiful weather and sounds of outside.  I have never spent much time in my sister's backyard unless there were a lot of people and a lot of commotion.  I'm so grateful that we had the opportunity to spend the afternoon there with just my little family.  There is a beautiful, peaceful, special feeling back there and I don't know that I would have got to feel and experience that if we had been there with a whole bunch of people.  I don't have a desire to get in the hot tub, I don't know if I ever will, but I am grateful for what we experienced that day.  I laid on the side of her pool and it was as if I heard Jaylen say, "it's okay mom, it's okay."  I needed that comfort.  I needed to know that it would be okay to be in her pool again.  I needed to know that we could have positive memories there again and I feel that Jaylen gave me the okay.  

This life is hard.  We all have struggles that no one knows about.  Some are more blatant than others, but we all struggle.  We were sent here to have struggles.  At times I wonder why any of us would ever sign up for this, knowing the pain and sorrow that we would have to endure, but we obviously knew that by doing so, there would be a big reward at the end of it all.  As I search for answers, there are days that I am very discouraged.  I am impatient and want to know it all now, but then I am reminded that I have to trust and have faith.  "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the lord" Isaiah 66:9.  I have faith in that scripture.  Trials will not stop, but blessings will continue to come as well.  Sometimes it is hard to recognize the blessings, but they are there and he is aware of us all.  "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it".