Another Month on this Journey

What is this thing we call death? I think I wake up each day asking myself that question.  Since Jaylen's passing,  that question has weighed heavily on my mind.  I thought about it a lot after my brother passed, but with Jaylen being my child, gone so young and so soon, it has become something I yearn to learn more about.  I wake up each morning aching to hold my child in my arms again, but I am learning and growing so much.  This life is not the end, death should not be feared, but more something to look forward to. 

A true ANGEL!!!

Today marks four months without Jaylen.  It has probably been the longest four months of my life.  I look back on those four months and probably could not tell you the majority of what I have done each day.  My days are still blurred.  I am present in each day, but my mind is elsewhere most times.  I don't think there is a second that has gone by since losing Jaylen where I have not thought of him.  They are not always sad thoughts, but the pain does not go away.  Some days I now feel as if the pain is worse.  The longer is goes is one more day without him.  I love little sayings that I come across daily and there is one that really has stood out to me.  It says, "one more day without you means I am one more day closer to being with you again".  That speaks such truth. With each passing day, I ache for how long it has been without Jaylen, but with each passing day, I am that much closer to having him in my arms again.

I can't wait to hold him again

Mornings have become tough for me.  I think with each new day, it is one more day that I adjust to this new normal.  Each morning feels like I awake to a slap in the face.  I go to bed each night hoping that maybe this is just a horrible nightmare, but then I wake to face it all over again...day after day, after day.  I go into Jaylen's room each morning to open his blinds and let the sun shine through, but every time I step foot in his room and see his empty crib, my heart breaks a little bit more.  I am reminded that in fact, this is real.  You would think that after four months I would be use to it and believe that it is real, but I'm not and don't.  I don't know if I will ever be use to it.  I think with time it will just become easier to face each day...hopefully.

We had our first experience at The Warm Place last night.  It was pretty surreal sitting there thinking about the reason we were there.  As I looked around at all the families that were there, it broke my heart knowing the reason why we were all together.  It was a little uncomfortable at first.  Most people who know me know that I am a bit shy if I don't know you very well.  Being out of my comfort zone is hard for me and something I struggle with.  When we first arrived, we had a potluck dinner with all the other families.  Sitting down to eat with all these families that we don't know was awkward and I was grateful it didn't last too long.  After dinner, the adults gathered in a room while the kids went into groups.  When we first got in there, we introduced ourselves, said the name of our child we lost and how they passed away.  It was quite emotional.  As I listened to these parents one by one, say their child's name and sense the pain they feel, I realized that I am far from alone in this journey.  Jaylen is the youngest of all the kids who have passed in that group, but the other ages range from 5-19.  Some were taken tragically, others to illness, one even to suicide.  What I realized though,  is that no matter what way they lost their child, we all share the same pain.  Whether it was something that the parents were prepared for or something unexpected.

After spending about 30 minutes in separate groups, we gathered as families again.  They gave us a planter pot to decorate with memories of our child on it.  We drew pictures, wrote nicknames, anything that reminded us of our child/sibling.  Afterwards we gathered all together, went around the room saying our child's name and sharing some of the things that we put on this pot.  The director then read a poem and we sang a song.  It was a little cheesy, but I can definitely see how it can be healing.  As we left that night, these people who felt like strangers when we first got there, became people who I feel a love for now.  We don't know each other, I couldn't tell you most of their names, but I feel as if a bond was created.  We share the same pain, we all want to make sense of what has happened, and we want to heal positively, not let it destroy us.

On our car ride home, I noticed a sense of happiness in my kids that I haven't seen in awhile.  I worry about them constantly on how this loss will affect them.  Not necessarily at this moment, but in years to come.  Kaia said to me the other day, "Mom, it's taking forever to die!"  I was startled by that comment because I never thought my five year old would be waiting for that time to come.  I don't want her to be waiting for that day. I want her to know that we can enjoy life.  Right now it may seem too long until we see Jaylen again, but when the day comes, it won't have felt very long at all.  I think about how this tragedy has affected us as a family.  I hope that my children will be able to look back one day and say that my parents were better because of what happened, rather than losing us too that day.  Kaia is more vocal about her feelings so I am able to talk to her more about things,  while Ian keeps more in and doesn't want to talk about it.  I felt a sense of peace within him last night and I hope that with each month that we attend, he will heal too.

So, as me and my family continue on this journey to truly understand what "death" is and as we go through the experiences that we do each day, I can tell you what I have already learned so far.  Death is not the end.  I will see my sweet Jaylen again.  My heart aches for him daily.  I wish more than anything that I could have him in my arms, but I know that I will have that chance and when I do, it will be even sweeter than the first time.  Ian and Kaia are learning more about death in their younger age than most, but they will have a knowledge that most kids won't.  They will know that death is not something to be afraid of, but that it is the next journey of life and not something to fear.  We will all be together again and although we can't physically see or touch Jaylen, he is close.  The veil is thin and there is not much that separates us.  Death is not the end, it is the start of eternity and we will all experience that together in due time. 

One day they will all be playing again!!

A New Year

Me and my cute parents

It's been awhile since I have written and I have had so much on my mind.  We just got back from Utah on Thursday, it was great to be close to family and friends, but I am grateful to be home.  The moment we landed in Salt Lake, I had all these emotions come over me.  I turned to Mike and said that I want to go back home, but I am grateful that I was able to spend the time that I did there.  My parents are leaving on a mission for their church for two years to London so it was great to be able to spend the past two weeks with them.   As I was in Utah though, I realized how much I enjoy being able to "hide away" in my house in Texas.  Not that I didn't enjoy being around family and friends, but at times it was overwhelming and I've come to really enjoy the time with just my little family here. 

When we got back home, I had an overwhelming amount of emotions come over me as I walked in my house after being gone for so long.  I walked into our family room and saw Jaylen's pictures.  For a minute it felt like Jaylen was about to come running around the corner, but then reality set in again that this is real, I really am living in this nightmare.  I think a lot of days I am still in disbelief.  Then, moments like that make it real and it sucks.  I think it's easier to live in disbelief and bury what has happened.  When I think too much about it, or have moments like that, it makes it too hard.  

While in Utah, I was able to finally have that face to face conversation with the two other mom's that I have grown so close to since the accident.  They are amazing women and have been a saving grace for me.  I don't know that I would be surviving this tragedy without them.  It's unfortunate the circumstances that brought us together, but we all have said that there is no coincidence in it and we feel that our angels knew that we needed each other.  This is a club that no one wants to be in, but I feel fortunate to have these women in my life.  It's amazing the bond that has been formed.  Three women who had never met each other became instant friends and I feel that they will be my life long friends.  We spent the whole evening talking, crying, laughing and it was so needed.  I have these other women who truly "get it" and I'm just so grateful that we were able to finally get together.  They both live in Utah so I'm hoping that we can get together annually and maybe I can even get them to Texas one of these days. 

We were able to visit Jaylen's resting place a couple of times while being there also.  I was pretty nervous for the first visit, not really knowing what to expect or how I would feel.  As we pulled up to the cemetery I got a big pit in the bottom of my stomach.  So many emotions over came me.  It's very surreal to pull up to a cemetery knowing that I'm about to visit my two year old sons grave.  It's not the way this life it suppose to be.  Parents aren't suppose to bury their children, but it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY and something that no one can escape.  There are a lot of fortunate parents out there that will never have to feel this kind of pain, but there are also too many parents that have and will.  As we got out of the car and walked over to his spot, tears welled up in my eyes and I was shaking.  After a moment of being there it became very peaceful.  I was overcome with feelings of peace, similar to how I felt the day of Jaylen's funeral.  This is a horrific thing to live through daily, but the peace I have felt at times reassures me that this is a plan and Jaylen is okay.  I am so blessed that I get to be his Mom and I know there will be a time that I will get to raise him.  Even with the peace that I feel, it is a struggle every day and there are still days where I don't know how I will make it through, but I do and am.  Some days I really want to give up, but then I look at my two other children and it's all the motivation I need.  

Kaia was ready for the night to be over

New Years was a tough night.  We spent the evening with some of Mike's friends, playing games, watching TV, and the kids were all playing together.  All night I just kept thinking how Jaylen should be here.  There were people there that Mike and I had never met.  It is very hard for me to be out somewhere and people only see Ian and Kaia.  I just want to say to them all, I have Jaylen too!!  People see my two kids running around and have no idea what I'm missing.  But that conversation is uncomfortable for so many that I don't even go there most times.  I just wish that he wasn't missing.  It's funny too because that night I wanted a picture taken of us.  As I asked Mike's friend to take the picture, I asked him to take it of the five of us without even thinking.  It is so natural to say five, but people don't see five and I hate it.  Anyway, I have really tried to start taking more pictures of us all together because we only have two or three of the five of us and it is one of my biggest regrets!  I have tons of pictures, but hardly any of us all together so I'm trying to do that more now.  

Christmas turned out to be pretty decent.  We were in the airport most of the day so it really didn't feel much like Christmas, which I was grateful for.  The kids woke up around 8 and had their gifts open by 8:10.  They rushed through getting them all open.  After everything was open, we sat around for a while, but then decided to take the tree down.  We had a little bit of time before we had to leave for the airport and I was just ready for it all to be put away.  It was nice to have it taken care of before we left, then we were able to come home to a clean house and didn't have to deal with it when we got back.  

This year for Christmas Eve I was hoping to do something that my kids would remember.  I told my sister that it would be great to do some form of service, then have a simple dinner together.  We are still new to the area and wasn't sure of what to do, but my sister new of some people who were alone for the holidays.  We decided that it would be nice to go Christmas caroling to them and hopefully let them feel some love that day.  There was one lady that we went to see in a nursing home.  This sweet lady is about 94 years old and such a happy lady.  While we were singing to her and her roommate, I got an overwhelming feeling of emotion.  For a minute I felt as if Jaylen was there with us.  It was an amazing feeling and I cherish those moments.  I have not had too many experiences where I have felt Jaylen close, I wish I had them constantly, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.  It was a special moment for me.  I was grateful that we were able to bring a smile to others that day.  It left a good feeling inside of me that I was hoping to have.

After we left from spending time with my sisters family, we came home and spent some time with our neighbors before coming home for bed.  We have become close to a family that lives up the street from us and spend a lot of time with them.  I am grateful for the friendship that we have built.  After leaving their house, we got the kids to bed and waited awhile for them to go to sleep.  I still had a few gifts to wrap so I did that while waiting for the kids to fall asleep.  Once they fell asleep I hurried to put the gifts out.  After I previously wrote about my concern for the stockings I had so many wonderful people send me suggestions of what I could do to make it more positive.  I didn't have enough time to put together what I wanted to, but I already know what I have planned for future years.  Anyway, Jaylen's stocking did not get filled, but he did receive a truck in it so it wasn't empty. After putting all the gifts out, a whole new set emotions came over me and I cried myself to sleep.  It was a very tough night.  I hate that he is not here to spend these moments, any moment, with us.  It is just so hard to understand at times.  I wish there was an answer that made it easier.  Even if I had an answer, the heartache I feel for missing him would not go away.  I don't think that will go away until I am reunited with him.  

As we start 2014 I am nervous of what's to come.  I try to stay positive, but so many things can happen.  What's tough is that 2013 had turned out to be a great year up until Jaylen's accident.  We had a really tough year in 2012 and I was grateful for what 2013 brought us, until that dreadful day.  Our family was so happy, the family bond was strong, and we were happier than we had been in a long time.   I hope that even with Jaylen's tragedy our family bond will stay strong.  I hope that 2014 will bring nothing but happiness, besides the fact of missing Jaylen and learning to live without him.  I'm optimistic that things can't get any worse than what we have already endured, but we are not guaranteed anything.  Life is precious, family is everything and I am a different person because of this.  I hope that I will continue to grow and be better from what I have experienced.  I hope that Mike and I will carry on Jaylen's legacy in a positive way always and that we never disappoint him.  My goal is to be a better mom, wife, friend and to make Jaylen proud.