4...6...2

Tomorrow it will have been four years since Jaylen left us. A day that I hate reliving, but that day will always be there. September 21, 2013 was the absolute worst day of my life. Every year as this day approaches, I feel stuck in a sense because I hate knowing that was "the day" that took my son. Every day is hard without Jaylen. He is missed every single day, but September 21 is yelling "THIS WAS THE DAY!"  It's so hard to explain, but I never look forward to September because of it. 

Not only is September 21 hard, but only four short days later, is Jaylen's birthday.  September 25 should be a day of celebration. Watching my son grow another year older each year.  Planning birthday parties, ordering a fun cake, wondering what to surprise him with, but instead we are left with an empty chair.  We always have a birthday cake on September 25. We always celebrate what would have been, but it's a tough pill to swallow looking at the empty chair that doesn't get to blow out those candles.  It would be six candles this year, SIX!!  

It's hard to picture Jaylen as a six year old little boy.  All I can see him as, is that almost two year old little boy that carried a couple of cars in his hand, along with his bottle, and blankie. Then you can't forget about the pacifier that he constantly had in his mouth.  Today, he would be so different.  I'm sure he would still keep us laughing like he always did.  I'm sure he would be as handsome as ever, but I'm left to guess...it's tough.  

I often drive by Kaia's school during the day.  The time I usually drive by at, the kindergartner's are always out on the playground playing.  Every time I see them, I like to imagine that Jaylen is in the mix of those kids playing too.  I often catch myself looking, wondering if I can see him.  He should be there, but he is not. It's hard to believe that he would be in school, running around with those other kids. You never think that your child won't be there.  Sometimes now, it still feels unreal that it was my child that was taken, but then I'm also constantly reminded because he isn't here. 

On October 4 this year, Taysen will be turning two.  I have been holding my breath for Taysen to get to this birthday.  I have had so much fear, since him being born, that he wouldn't make it to his second birthday.  I never feared my children not making it to their next birthday, until it actually happened.  Now, I'm grateful for each birthday that I do get to celebrate.  With Taysen though, I'm not sure if it's because he is a boy and our first rainbow after Jaylen, but I have wanted nothing more than to get past his second birthday. I can only hope that it happens! When October 4 comes and goes, I will be so grateful.  Then I will just continue to hold my breath for every birthday to follow...with each of my kids. I can only hope that I get to watch them all grow into adulthood and far beyond. 

With all the pain we have from losing Jaylen, there has been so many blessings that have come into our lives as well.  Sometimes it is hard to see the blessings, but they are there and continue to come. Life is hard. After losing Jaylen, I liked to think that we wouldn't have any more hard things to go through, but it doesn't work that way.  Trials will always come, but it is up to us on how we handle them.  I'm blessed with a supportive husband and amazing kids to help us get through the trials together.  

As this four year angel-anniversary approaches, it's hard to believe that we have made it four years, but we have.  I remember thinking after Jaylen passed, 'how will we ever make it?' I thought a lot about that five year mark and we are only one year away from it. Just crazy.  We can do hard things when we have to. Life is hard, but that is what life is...we were sent here to learn and grow and that is just what we are doing.