My Perfect Angel

Last week my kids brought home their school pictures for this school year, they turned out perfect of course.  Every year when my kids have their pictures taken, I exchange the one they have on the wall with the updated one.  I have not updated their pictures since before Jaylen's passing from last year.  As I took Kaia's picture down, replaced the picture, and then Ian's, I looked at Jaylen's and realized that I will never get to change his picture.  Yes, I could change it with a different one, but I will never have that picture of Kindergarten.  The picture of third grade where he has missing teeth or the picture of the funny smile and the messy hair.  It's these little things that hit you in the moment and it stings.  I look at his beautiful picture on our wall and emotions consume me.  He is a perfect angel who has blessed our family in so many ways.  This is not the path I had planned for him.  

Jaylen, about an hour after he was born

Jaylen was the piece of the puzzle that completed our family.  I remember talking with Mike about wanting one more child after Kaia.  I always thought the magic number was three and so when Mike agreed, I was ecstatic.  Jaylen didn't come as planned either, it took a little bit of time and in that time, we had a miscarriage.  Fortunately after the miscarriage, it didn't take long and we were preparing for this child that was so badly wanted.  I think Jaylen wanted to come as bad as we wanted him to because on September 21, 2011, in the middle of the night at just 29 weeks of pregnancy, my water broke.  We rushed to the hospital and were fortunate to keep Jaylen inside long enough for the doctors to do some things to help prepare his lungs for a premature delivery.  Four days after my water broke, at just 30 weeks, Jaylen arrived weighing 3 pounds 7 ounces.  He was perfect in every way, just small and needed time to grow.  I remember being so worried that day my water broke, the fear of the unknown and what was to come.  Jaylen amazed us all at his fight and determination to grow so he could come home and be with us.  When he was born, we were told that he could be in the hospital for at least ten weeks, but after a long, but short five week stay, our perfectly healthy premature baby was home.   I remember the feeling of having him in our home, a little piece of heaven, which still to this day has not gone away.  

Holding mommy's hand

As I think about the dates of Jaylen's arrival, I don't believe that it was any coincidence that exactly two years after he was preparing to come into this world, he left this world.  September 21 will never be the same for me.  After Jaylen was born, we joked that he was our million dollar baby because of the medical expenses that came from his birth.  He was our miracle and still is.  I look at his picture every day and talk to him, thinking that maybe he can hear me.  It's funny how our trials in life really put things into perspective and what truly is important.  

Halloween was quite different for me this year.  I have always enjoyed watching the kids get dressed up and see the excitement in their eyes for trick or treating.  This year, as we would take our nightly walks though, I had a different feeling.  As we would walk by the homes decorated, I was bothered by the homes that glorified death in such an evil, ugly, creepy way.  Yes, death can be ugly.  People are taken from this earth in horrifying ways, but my thoughts on death are so different now.  I remember talking last year with my sister in law, who was married to my brother that has passed away.  She said to me that death is hard, but there is such a beauty that comes with it also.  At that time, I was still early in my grief.  I thought she was insane and could not understand how she could feel that way.  A year later, I look back at the miracles and blessing that have come in my life and she is right, there is a beauty that comes with death.  Our home, most days, feels like a piece of heaven is there.  There are blessings that have come our way that we know are because of our angel in heaven.  Yes, I would trade all those blessings and feelings in a heartbeat to have Jaylen back with us, but that was not the plan.  Jaylen came to us knowing his path.  I believe we all knew before coming here, our destiny.  As we entered this world and crossed from the vail, our premortal life became a blur, but I believe that once we return back home, we will look back and remember.

Halloween 2011, 2 days after coming home from the hospital

  
We all signed up for this life knowing that it would come full of trials.  As I think about that, I wonder why I would ever sign up knowing that I would lose my child, there is NO WAY I would want to go through this!  This life is a gift, we never know when our time is up.  I do know though, we chose to come here knowing what we would be returning too. It's hard to fathom now, but I know it's got to be something pretty amazing for these trials to be worth it.