Another Month on this Journey

What is this thing we call death? I think I wake up each day asking myself that question.  Since Jaylen's passing,  that question has weighed heavily on my mind.  I thought about it a lot after my brother passed, but with Jaylen being my child, gone so young and so soon, it has become something I yearn to learn more about.  I wake up each morning aching to hold my child in my arms again, but I am learning and growing so much.  This life is not the end, death should not be feared, but more something to look forward to. 

A true ANGEL!!!

Today marks four months without Jaylen.  It has probably been the longest four months of my life.  I look back on those four months and probably could not tell you the majority of what I have done each day.  My days are still blurred.  I am present in each day, but my mind is elsewhere most times.  I don't think there is a second that has gone by since losing Jaylen where I have not thought of him.  They are not always sad thoughts, but the pain does not go away.  Some days I now feel as if the pain is worse.  The longer is goes is one more day without him.  I love little sayings that I come across daily and there is one that really has stood out to me.  It says, "one more day without you means I am one more day closer to being with you again".  That speaks such truth. With each passing day, I ache for how long it has been without Jaylen, but with each passing day, I am that much closer to having him in my arms again.

I can't wait to hold him again

Mornings have become tough for me.  I think with each new day, it is one more day that I adjust to this new normal.  Each morning feels like I awake to a slap in the face.  I go to bed each night hoping that maybe this is just a horrible nightmare, but then I wake to face it all over again...day after day, after day.  I go into Jaylen's room each morning to open his blinds and let the sun shine through, but every time I step foot in his room and see his empty crib, my heart breaks a little bit more.  I am reminded that in fact, this is real.  You would think that after four months I would be use to it and believe that it is real, but I'm not and don't.  I don't know if I will ever be use to it.  I think with time it will just become easier to face each day...hopefully.

We had our first experience at The Warm Place last night.  It was pretty surreal sitting there thinking about the reason we were there.  As I looked around at all the families that were there, it broke my heart knowing the reason why we were all together.  It was a little uncomfortable at first.  Most people who know me know that I am a bit shy if I don't know you very well.  Being out of my comfort zone is hard for me and something I struggle with.  When we first arrived, we had a potluck dinner with all the other families.  Sitting down to eat with all these families that we don't know was awkward and I was grateful it didn't last too long.  After dinner, the adults gathered in a room while the kids went into groups.  When we first got in there, we introduced ourselves, said the name of our child we lost and how they passed away.  It was quite emotional.  As I listened to these parents one by one, say their child's name and sense the pain they feel, I realized that I am far from alone in this journey.  Jaylen is the youngest of all the kids who have passed in that group, but the other ages range from 5-19.  Some were taken tragically, others to illness, one even to suicide.  What I realized though,  is that no matter what way they lost their child, we all share the same pain.  Whether it was something that the parents were prepared for or something unexpected.

After spending about 30 minutes in separate groups, we gathered as families again.  They gave us a planter pot to decorate with memories of our child on it.  We drew pictures, wrote nicknames, anything that reminded us of our child/sibling.  Afterwards we gathered all together, went around the room saying our child's name and sharing some of the things that we put on this pot.  The director then read a poem and we sang a song.  It was a little cheesy, but I can definitely see how it can be healing.  As we left that night, these people who felt like strangers when we first got there, became people who I feel a love for now.  We don't know each other, I couldn't tell you most of their names, but I feel as if a bond was created.  We share the same pain, we all want to make sense of what has happened, and we want to heal positively, not let it destroy us.

On our car ride home, I noticed a sense of happiness in my kids that I haven't seen in awhile.  I worry about them constantly on how this loss will affect them.  Not necessarily at this moment, but in years to come.  Kaia said to me the other day, "Mom, it's taking forever to die!"  I was startled by that comment because I never thought my five year old would be waiting for that time to come.  I don't want her to be waiting for that day. I want her to know that we can enjoy life.  Right now it may seem too long until we see Jaylen again, but when the day comes, it won't have felt very long at all.  I think about how this tragedy has affected us as a family.  I hope that my children will be able to look back one day and say that my parents were better because of what happened, rather than losing us too that day.  Kaia is more vocal about her feelings so I am able to talk to her more about things,  while Ian keeps more in and doesn't want to talk about it.  I felt a sense of peace within him last night and I hope that with each month that we attend, he will heal too.

So, as me and my family continue on this journey to truly understand what "death" is and as we go through the experiences that we do each day, I can tell you what I have already learned so far.  Death is not the end.  I will see my sweet Jaylen again.  My heart aches for him daily.  I wish more than anything that I could have him in my arms, but I know that I will have that chance and when I do, it will be even sweeter than the first time.  Ian and Kaia are learning more about death in their younger age than most, but they will have a knowledge that most kids won't.  They will know that death is not something to be afraid of, but that it is the next journey of life and not something to fear.  We will all be together again and although we can't physically see or touch Jaylen, he is close.  The veil is thin and there is not much that separates us.  Death is not the end, it is the start of eternity and we will all experience that together in due time. 

One day they will all be playing again!!

A New Year

Me and my cute parents

It's been awhile since I have written and I have had so much on my mind.  We just got back from Utah on Thursday, it was great to be close to family and friends, but I am grateful to be home.  The moment we landed in Salt Lake, I had all these emotions come over me.  I turned to Mike and said that I want to go back home, but I am grateful that I was able to spend the time that I did there.  My parents are leaving on a mission for their church for two years to London so it was great to be able to spend the past two weeks with them.   As I was in Utah though, I realized how much I enjoy being able to "hide away" in my house in Texas.  Not that I didn't enjoy being around family and friends, but at times it was overwhelming and I've come to really enjoy the time with just my little family here. 

When we got back home, I had an overwhelming amount of emotions come over me as I walked in my house after being gone for so long.  I walked into our family room and saw Jaylen's pictures.  For a minute it felt like Jaylen was about to come running around the corner, but then reality set in again that this is real, I really am living in this nightmare.  I think a lot of days I am still in disbelief.  Then, moments like that make it real and it sucks.  I think it's easier to live in disbelief and bury what has happened.  When I think too much about it, or have moments like that, it makes it too hard.  

While in Utah, I was able to finally have that face to face conversation with the two other mom's that I have grown so close to since the accident.  They are amazing women and have been a saving grace for me.  I don't know that I would be surviving this tragedy without them.  It's unfortunate the circumstances that brought us together, but we all have said that there is no coincidence in it and we feel that our angels knew that we needed each other.  This is a club that no one wants to be in, but I feel fortunate to have these women in my life.  It's amazing the bond that has been formed.  Three women who had never met each other became instant friends and I feel that they will be my life long friends.  We spent the whole evening talking, crying, laughing and it was so needed.  I have these other women who truly "get it" and I'm just so grateful that we were able to finally get together.  They both live in Utah so I'm hoping that we can get together annually and maybe I can even get them to Texas one of these days. 

We were able to visit Jaylen's resting place a couple of times while being there also.  I was pretty nervous for the first visit, not really knowing what to expect or how I would feel.  As we pulled up to the cemetery I got a big pit in the bottom of my stomach.  So many emotions over came me.  It's very surreal to pull up to a cemetery knowing that I'm about to visit my two year old sons grave.  It's not the way this life it suppose to be.  Parents aren't suppose to bury their children, but it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY and something that no one can escape.  There are a lot of fortunate parents out there that will never have to feel this kind of pain, but there are also too many parents that have and will.  As we got out of the car and walked over to his spot, tears welled up in my eyes and I was shaking.  After a moment of being there it became very peaceful.  I was overcome with feelings of peace, similar to how I felt the day of Jaylen's funeral.  This is a horrific thing to live through daily, but the peace I have felt at times reassures me that this is a plan and Jaylen is okay.  I am so blessed that I get to be his Mom and I know there will be a time that I will get to raise him.  Even with the peace that I feel, it is a struggle every day and there are still days where I don't know how I will make it through, but I do and am.  Some days I really want to give up, but then I look at my two other children and it's all the motivation I need.  

Kaia was ready for the night to be over

New Years was a tough night.  We spent the evening with some of Mike's friends, playing games, watching TV, and the kids were all playing together.  All night I just kept thinking how Jaylen should be here.  There were people there that Mike and I had never met.  It is very hard for me to be out somewhere and people only see Ian and Kaia.  I just want to say to them all, I have Jaylen too!!  People see my two kids running around and have no idea what I'm missing.  But that conversation is uncomfortable for so many that I don't even go there most times.  I just wish that he wasn't missing.  It's funny too because that night I wanted a picture taken of us.  As I asked Mike's friend to take the picture, I asked him to take it of the five of us without even thinking.  It is so natural to say five, but people don't see five and I hate it.  Anyway, I have really tried to start taking more pictures of us all together because we only have two or three of the five of us and it is one of my biggest regrets!  I have tons of pictures, but hardly any of us all together so I'm trying to do that more now.  

Christmas turned out to be pretty decent.  We were in the airport most of the day so it really didn't feel much like Christmas, which I was grateful for.  The kids woke up around 8 and had their gifts open by 8:10.  They rushed through getting them all open.  After everything was open, we sat around for a while, but then decided to take the tree down.  We had a little bit of time before we had to leave for the airport and I was just ready for it all to be put away.  It was nice to have it taken care of before we left, then we were able to come home to a clean house and didn't have to deal with it when we got back.  

This year for Christmas Eve I was hoping to do something that my kids would remember.  I told my sister that it would be great to do some form of service, then have a simple dinner together.  We are still new to the area and wasn't sure of what to do, but my sister new of some people who were alone for the holidays.  We decided that it would be nice to go Christmas caroling to them and hopefully let them feel some love that day.  There was one lady that we went to see in a nursing home.  This sweet lady is about 94 years old and such a happy lady.  While we were singing to her and her roommate, I got an overwhelming feeling of emotion.  For a minute I felt as if Jaylen was there with us.  It was an amazing feeling and I cherish those moments.  I have not had too many experiences where I have felt Jaylen close, I wish I had them constantly, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.  It was a special moment for me.  I was grateful that we were able to bring a smile to others that day.  It left a good feeling inside of me that I was hoping to have.

After we left from spending time with my sisters family, we came home and spent some time with our neighbors before coming home for bed.  We have become close to a family that lives up the street from us and spend a lot of time with them.  I am grateful for the friendship that we have built.  After leaving their house, we got the kids to bed and waited awhile for them to go to sleep.  I still had a few gifts to wrap so I did that while waiting for the kids to fall asleep.  Once they fell asleep I hurried to put the gifts out.  After I previously wrote about my concern for the stockings I had so many wonderful people send me suggestions of what I could do to make it more positive.  I didn't have enough time to put together what I wanted to, but I already know what I have planned for future years.  Anyway, Jaylen's stocking did not get filled, but he did receive a truck in it so it wasn't empty. After putting all the gifts out, a whole new set emotions came over me and I cried myself to sleep.  It was a very tough night.  I hate that he is not here to spend these moments, any moment, with us.  It is just so hard to understand at times.  I wish there was an answer that made it easier.  Even if I had an answer, the heartache I feel for missing him would not go away.  I don't think that will go away until I am reunited with him.  

As we start 2014 I am nervous of what's to come.  I try to stay positive, but so many things can happen.  What's tough is that 2013 had turned out to be a great year up until Jaylen's accident.  We had a really tough year in 2012 and I was grateful for what 2013 brought us, until that dreadful day.  Our family was so happy, the family bond was strong, and we were happier than we had been in a long time.   I hope that even with Jaylen's tragedy our family bond will stay strong.  I hope that 2014 will bring nothing but happiness, besides the fact of missing Jaylen and learning to live without him.  I'm optimistic that things can't get any worse than what we have already endured, but we are not guaranteed anything.  Life is precious, family is everything and I am a different person because of this.  I hope that I will continue to grow and be better from what I have experienced.  I hope that Mike and I will carry on Jaylen's legacy in a positive way always and that we never disappoint him.  My goal is to be a better mom, wife, friend and to make Jaylen proud.  

Three Months...sigh

I miss him more and more each day

The three month mark has come and gone and as the months roll by, the pain I feel does not lessen.  It almost has become more because the shock has warn off and the reality that Jaylen is not coming home becomes more apparent. I go to sleep each night hoping to wake up to a new reality, that it was just a horrible dream, but the truth is, it is a horrible nightmare that I will live each day until we are reunited.  I will say, not every day is horrible, but it still is a challenge to wake up each day and live in this new normal.  I do have "good" days, but with those good days, there are just as many, if not more, bad days.  The one bearable thing about the bad days, is that I know a good day will come.

It has been very hard to feel the Christmas spirit this year. This time of year is usually my absolute favorite.  The spirit of Christmas usually brings such excitement and joy, but Mike and I were talking the other day and we both can not wait for it to be over.  I am so ready for the holidays to be done and a new year to start.  With a new year, I know my thoughts and feelings about Jaylen will not change, but I'm looking forward for life to slow down again.  Christmas time seems so busy and hectic, some days I feel that I don't even have a minute to breath.  I hate going any where right now.  You walk into a store and it's pure madness.  I don't have the energy or desire to be around that.  Since Jaylen's accident my mind has felt like like a bunch of scribbles on a piece of paper, so when I approach any store right now, it just adds to it and I'm already worn out just living day to day.  I look forward to some calmness again, even if it's just a little bit.

On Saturday I approached the stores one last time to get the stocking stuffers for my kids.  As I was walking around the store trying to figure out what I would get to fill them, I thought of Jaylen's stocking that will not be filled this year. I hung all five stockings up because he still is a huge part of our family, but it will not get filled.  For a moment, I thought, maybe I should buy some things to fill it, but then again, it would just sit there on Christmas untouched.  Either way, it will not be an easy morning.  Jaylen's stocking will either hang on the hook alone, or be filled and not touched.  I think that is one of the biggest challenge of this whole process, no matter what you do, there is a constant reminder that your child is missing.  It's not a trial that can be solved or just go away, it is something that I will work through daily for the rest of my life. Will it get easier with time?  Probably...but it will never end or go away.

At church yesterday in my Sunday School class, we were having a discussion on families being together forever. A sweet woman, who is probably in her late seventies, told a story of her first child, a daughter, who passed away in her womb at seven months.  As she began to tell of her story, she got extremely emotional talking of this child that she looks forward to being with again.  Listening to her, talking about the child she has been missing for all these years really effected me.  This sweet woman, still all these years later, mourns the loss of her sweet child.  I think of my sweet grandmother all the time also.  She lost a daughter, three days after she was born, unexpectedly.  My grandmother is almost 94 years old and has gone all these years missing her daughter.  The thought of being apart from Jaylen that many years is daunting. It did make me realize though, it will get easier, but missing him will never go away.  I don't think there will ever be a day go by where I will not think of Jaylen and miss him until that day I am reunited with him.  Whether it be a few short years or fifty, I will mourn for him and look forward to the reunion.  

My grandma and grandpa a few years before his passing.
She is an inspiration to me and one of my heroes!!

  
We head out to Utah on Christmas Day to spend some time with family and friends.  I look forward to being with them.  I'm grateful for the family and friends that I have.  I could not survive each day without them.

Dim Light

I think last week was one of the toughest weeks I have endured yet.  I'm not sure if it was because of the weather here or what, but it was one long week.  Moving from Utah to Texas you wouldn't think that an inch of snow would make the whole town shut down, but that is exactly what happened here.  I remember growing up in Utah and wishing so badly that school would get cancelled after a big storm, but rarely would that happen.  Last week I experienced the first winter storm in Texas and ended up not leaving my house for three days.  The kids schools shut down for two days, along with most businesses.  It was so different than what I have experienced in Utah and I think it added to my gloom.  Not seeing the sun shine, looking outside to see an inch of ice on the roads, then not leaving the house, it put me in a real downer.  I need sunshine.  I have always loved the warm weather, blue skies and the sun shining bright.  Sunshine brings happiness, just like my Jaylen.  

Fun in the sun are my favorite days

This Christmas season has been quite different from past years.  This time of year is usually my favorite.  I love Christmas music, love feeling the excitement in the air, but it's just not there.  I have not been able to listen to much Christmas music.  I have not felt the excitement around me.  All I think about is what is missing this year and what will not be here in the years to come.  It breaks my heart that I only got to spend two Christmases with Jaylen.  Nothing is better that waking up on Christmas morning and seeing the excitement on your kids face.  This year would have been the first year that Jaylen understood a little bit and I looked forward to experiencing that with him.  It just goes to show that you can't live for the future.  You have to live each minute in that moment because we never know what is to come.  I never thought that I would only get two Christmases, two Easters, two summers, one birthday, and so on.  None of us are promised tomorrow and now that this has happened, I know that I am not immune.  We always think it won't be us, but I can't think that way anymore.  

Our first appointment with The Warm Place was cancelled due to the weather and I was devastated.  My kids were devastated as well.  I know they have really looked forward to going and now we don't have our first group until January.   I also was looking forward to it because I have noticed my kids struggling more.  Kaia talks about Jaylen all the time and it is so hard.  She just doesn't understand, she wants to be with him now.  She told me the other day that she doesn't want to wait to see Jaylen, she wants to go now.  It is devastating to hear my five year old tell me these things.  One major challenge in all of this is as I'm trying to adjust to this new life and grieving, my kids are as well.  While I'm trying to figure out how to handle it all, I have to figure out how to help my kids too.  They are hurting, but when kids hurt, they don't always express in the way we need them too.  It becomes a challenge.  I've noticed that because I am hurting, I can become short with them and I don't want to be that mom, especially because I know now, more than ever, how precious our time is.  People tell me that hearing of my experience has made them a better parent.  I want to be a better parent as well, but at times I have nothing in me to give.  I hope that my children always know how much I love them and understand that this is an adjustment for all of us.  I think as kids, our parents make us feel so secure.  You never realize how much your parents went though, until you actually become a parent.   I hope that even though I make mistakes daily, my kids know that I am trying my best.

Jaylen at about 7 months old

We are headed to Utah on Christmas Day to spend time with family and friends.  It will be nice to be close to everyone again, but it will be another first.  The first time back in Utah since Jaylen's funeral. It will be the first time we head to the cemetery to visit our baby boy.  I know it will bring on a whole new set of emotions.  Sometimes I wish I could just push them all away and move forward, but unfortunately that is impossible.  My faith has really been tested this past week, I think more so than it ever has.  I have had questions that have never come to my mind before.  Sometimes it's easier to just go with the feeling rather than trying to figure it all out.  Those feelings that I felt so strongly in the beginning have left.  In the beginning, I felt arms wrapped around me so tight.  I felt so safe and protected, which seems impossible to feel in such a time of desperation.  As the time has passed though, the arms have slowly loosened to the point that I can't feel them anymore.   I feel as if I'm on my own trying to push through and at times I don't know how I'm doing it.  There are a few parents that I have been in contact with that all say the same thing.  We are so blessed with the comfort we feel in the beginning, it's something that you can't really describe unless you have experienced it yourself.  They all have said that the later months are where it gets tough and I'm starting to realize that now.  Somehow, someway it will be better one day, but it will be a long road with a lot of bumps on the way.  

My rock and best friend

I feel blessed that I have the love and support that I do.  I could not do this without my friends and family.  My husband still makes sure I am okay each and every day.  If I cry, his shoulder is there.  He is broken himself, but he never forgets about me.  I have friends who check on me constantly.  They may not think it's a big deal, but it means a lot.  Especially on those days where I'm living minute by minute.  Then, I have made friends with other women who have experienced this same tragedy, unfortunately.  I can honestly say though, we will be friends for life.  I look forward to a face to face reunion with them one day soon.  


The 21st day of each month is a dreadful day.  It is approaching quickly this month and it will be three months since I've seen my baby boy alive.  Three months since I felt his little warm body.  I miss holding him.  I miss watching him line his cars up one by one on the couch.  I miss the excitement in his eyes when he would see me first thing in the morning.  Three months feels so long, but in forever, it is a blink of an eye.  I hope the day Jaylen and I reunite, it will feel like it was just that, a blink, because it sure feels far away. 

Can I wake up yet?

My love!

I have sat down at the computer a few times this past week, but just have not had it in me to write.  I write to let my emotions out, along with making a journal of events so hopefully I will be able to look back one day and see that I "made it" through this horrible nightmare.  I've had a really up and down week, I don't know if it's because of the holiday season or what, but my emotions have been all over the place.  

Thanksgiving turned out to be a really good day for me, which I was grateful, but Mike struggled a bit.  I'm grateful that not all of our bad days are on the same day.  When one of us is down, it helps that the other isn't so we can be the rock for that day.  It's not always like that, there are days where we both really struggle, but fortunately there aren't too many.  We were able to spend Thanksgiving at my sister's house with a few other families that are friends of my sister.  It is so nice to have her so close.  I think it makes the holidays a little easier, not feeling so far away from home.  Texas feels like home now definitely, but Utah is always "home".  My family is there, my closest friends are there, and Jaylen's resting spot is there so I can't help but feel far away at times.  

Last weekend we took the kids to pick out a Christmas Tree.  This is our first year to have a real tree. I have always used an artificial one because I am horrible at remembering to water plants, flowers, etc.  Anytime I have had a plant, it has not lasted very long because I don't know how to keep it alive.  Anyway, when we moved we had to leave a lot of things behind because I rented the wrong size moving truck and we couldn't fit all our stuff in it.  We ended leaving our artificial tree (an unimportant item) and so it's our first year experiencing a real tree.  I love the smell of it.  I walk in my home and it smells like Christmas.  Decorating the tree was a hard moment for me though.  I couldn't help but think about Jaylen not being here to enjoy these moments.  I remember last year that within a few days of decorating,  Jaylen had broke maybe four or five ornaments because he would take them off the tree thinking it was a ball to play with.  By Christmas, I think I had removed almost all the ornaments on the bottom half so he could not get to them.

 As I was watching Kaia and Ian decorate the tree, getting so excited, I couldn't help but feel a pit in the bottom of my stomach.  I've always been pretty OCD when it comes to how my tree looks.  After the kids decorate, I like to go in and fix it to look how I would want it, but this year I didn't care.  The little things don't matter to me anymore.  As the kids were pulling out the ornaments, they pulled some out that they had made in previous years.  Some with pictures of them on them and it was funny because I looked at those ornaments and got emotional.  It made me realize that I will never have an ornament that Jaylen will make at school with his picture on it.  Of all my ornaments, that is one that I want, but will never get.  

As I was pulling out the stockings, there was no doubt that I was going to hang five of them. I was frustrated though because we don't have a fireplace with a mantle this year so I was trying to figure out where to hang them all together.  I have a shelf on our wall, but it only has four hooks and I was not about to leave Jaylen out. I ended up taping the fifth stocking in-between all the hooks.  I never want to leave Jaylen out of anything, even if he isn't here physically.  I sit here everyday wondering how this really is my reality??  My two year old son is not here to experience his third Christmas with us.  I still don't understand it.  There are days that I just wish I could wake up and it all be over, the nightmare was really a nightmare, and Jaylen be here, but that's not the case.  Some days I really do feel like I'm having an outer body experience and that I'm not really living this.  The range of emotions are just so out there.  

I miss him so much!!!

We were driving to church last Sunday morning, I was feeling a little emotional that morning and as I looked in the back seat, I could see Kaia was too.  I asked her if she was okay and she said "no".  We started talking a little bit about Christmas and how we get to go to Utah to see family in a few weeks. A few minutes later, Kaia says to me, "Mom, do you think when we go to Utah, we could build a stairway to Heaven, get Jaylen and bring him home with us?"  Talk about break my heart.  She says the sweetest things out of no where and I'm amazed at the thoughts she has.  As hard as this has been for Mike and I, I see in my kids, the hurt and confusion that they have.  I've always heard that the months after the accident are when it gets hard.  After the shock has warn off and the reality of it all starts to sink in.  I think for me, I go through a cycle of emotions and have since this all happened, but I can see my kids starting to struggle now.  I'm so grateful that we have The Warm Place to go to for them because I am at a loss on how to help them.  Mike and I are learning how to handle our own grief, then to watch Kaia and Ian struggle, but not be able to express what they are feeling is tough.  I have heard nothing but positive things about The Warm Place so I'm grateful that it is available to them and us as a family.  Our first real appointment is Monday night, so I am looking forward to getting them involved in it. 

After my marathon July 2012

Since all of this has happened, I have tried to think of how I can turn Jaylen's tragedy into something positive.  As I was on a run last Saturday morning, I had an idea come to mind.  Running has always been very therapeutic to me and after my brother died, I started running more and more.  The year after my brother passed, my family ran a relay race called Ragnar, in memory of him.  After that race, I started wanting to run more.  Since his passing, I have ran a few half marathons and completed my first marathon in July 2012.  It was a huge accomplishment and one I always wanted to do.  Anyway, running is where I feel close to Jaylen and where maybe I can make a difference.  The idea came to mind that I will start looking for races in my area that benefit a good cause.  As I started thinking about this, I know that me, as one person, can't make a difference, but if I get more people involved, maybe we, as a whole, can make a difference.  After I came home from my run last week, I got on the computer and emailed my family my idea.  I thought, if I can get them involved and they get their friends involved, maybe we can make a little bit of difference in someone else's life by signing up for these races, bringing more awareness to the cause and our entry fee going towards the cause.  So my thought was, I will use Jaylen's Spreading Sunshine for Jaylen Facebook page to hopefully post of races available to run.  Maybe as I post these races, people will want to join in, participate and post races that they are aware of too.  It would be good too because we're not only running for a good cause but getting in shape at the same time.  Not only would people have to run, I know they have walk-a-thons as well, where it may be easier for some who can't run or don't like to.   I don't know if it will ever be anything that will make a huge difference, but it is something that I look forward to do and maybe others will follow in my steps.  Jaylen was the kind of child that would've made a difference in this world if he had been given the opportunity, so I hope that even though he is not physically here, something good will come from this tragedy.

St. George half marathon January 2013

Ian, my sister and running buddy, Caron, with her son Jackson

Time Keeps Going

Too Cute!!!

I woke up this morning early.  I'm not sure if it was because Kaia kept elbowing me in my back or what, but the moment I wake, my mind goes straight to Jaylen.  It is always on Jaylen, but when the house is quiet and dark, it goes to the thoughts that I don't like so I decided to get up and write.  The past week has been a pretty decent one.  I have been able to function in a decent manner which is nice, but it is still not easy.  Never in my life have I wanted so badly to just feel normal again.  I so badly wish I could wake up with no pain, look forward to the day, have my mind relax for just one minute, but it has been just over two months since the accident.  I know that it is going take a lot longer than that and my normal will never be what it was.  

Mike and I were able to spend a night together this weekend.  We had originally planned a night away, but just didn't feel like going too far.  My sister had planned on taking Ian and Kaia over night originally and they were really looking forward to it so they went anyway.  I have always looked forward to a little time with just Mike and I.  Life is busy with three kids and it's nice to have the time together, but it was a lot different this time.  I still enjoyed the time, but it was too quiet.  Our house is already too quiet without Jaylen, then to have Ian and Kaia not here either, it was just too empty.  We were able to get most our Christmas shopping done which was nice, but I sure did miss my kids more that I normally would for being gone just one night.  They had a great time though and I wouldn't want it any other way.   

Christmas 2011

A lot of people have asked me lately how I am doing now that the holidays are approaching and I can honestly say that I don't think it makes a difference.  I don't think my day will be any different today then how I will feel tomorrow on Thanksgiving, or even in a month on Christmas.  The pain is still there, Jaylen is not coming home.  The heartbreak doesn't get stronger on holidays, I miss him every single minute, and it will be that way whether it's a holiday or not.  The void is there regardless.  It makes me sad that he only was able to celebrate two Thanksgivings and two Christmases with us, but it makes me sad that I don't get to have Monday of next week with him either.  That is why I have to focus on making these holidays positive, finding something positive to do.  I hope to be able to help others this holiday season, even if it's something small.  I need a purpose now and there is nothing better that helping others.

We went to The Warm Place last week and the kids really enjoyed it.  I think it will be a very positive thing, but it was a challenging day.  They needed to know about the accident and how we were doing so far.  Any time that we have to relive that night, it puts us in a very dark place.  Mike and I really struggled the whole day after we left.  I know it is good to talk about and some day I think we will be able to go there, but at this point, it is just so painful still.  I have to block it out, if I don't,  it is unbearable.  The memories are way too vivid and they aren't good ones. There was so much hope that night that was shattered.  Kaia and Ian both have come into my room this week, crying, telling me that they miss Jaylen.  Nothing breaks my heart more that seeing my kids crying for their little brother.  Most times, I just cry with them and let them know that it's okay.  That he is here watching over us and we will be with him again.  So, I hope that with time and going to The Warm Place, we will all be in a better place.  

Silly faces

Last night was tumbling for the kids, which they are really enjoying.  Afterwards we took them to Peter Piper Pizza to have a little fun.  I have only been there once since we have lived here, it was for Kaia's birthday and Jaylen was with us.  It's hard to have those memories of something he was with us doing the last time.  There are a lot of last times and it just sucks, point blank!  We then came home and watched a movie.  As we were watching the movie, I started taking pictures with Kaia as she was making funny faces.  Then I had Ian get in some with us.  As I looked at the pictures after, I couldn't help but see the big void in it.  Jaylen should be in it with us, but he is not.  I still don't understand, I don't know that I will until I am with him again, but I do know that he is something amazing.  Too good for this evil world and I know he is watching closely over us here.  He wants his family happy and he is making sure we will be.

Missing one

Dreaded Mail

Such a cool little dude

I think I'm back to that numb stage.  I woke up yesterday in a mood of no feeling.  It's the feeling again of where I am here physically, but not aware of all that is going on around me.  I compare it to a bunch of scribbles on paper,  that is what my mind and head are feeling and saying.  There really are so many waves of emotions that come with this process.  

Mike and I this summer

When I got done with work yesterday, I asked Mike if he wanted to go on a walk.  The weather has been beautiful and I like taking advantage of it.  The kids were with friends playing so it was just Mike and I .  I really enjoy those moments where he and I can just walk and enjoy the peacefulness of being outside together.  We are able to talk about so many things and I'm just so grateful for the relationship that I have with him.  Experiencing something like this as parents, to our child, is unreal.  We still talk in disbelief and confusion.  There are still many days where we just stare into space, lost, but we are still waking up each day and going forward as much as we can.

When we got home from our walk, I grabbed the mail out of the mailbox.  We had received a large envelope from the mortuary.   Mike and I looked at each other, wondering what it could be.  Anytime we have received any type of mail that relates to the accident, Mike and I are hesitant to open it because it is a reminder of what happened.  I debated if I should open this envelope, but my curiosity got the best of me.  It was definitely not what I was expecting.  I didn't even have to pull the information out to know what it was.  I looked in there and knew that it was Jaylen's death certificate.  That was a horrible feeling to have that in my hands.  I think I still block a lot of the events out of my mind because if I don't, my days are worse.  Yesterday was a huge reality check, a punch in the stomach.  As parents, I think we all look forward to getting our child's birth certificate after they are born, but never anticipate seeing their death certificate.  Of all the certificates our children can earn in their lifetime, this is one that no parent should see.  It is the most uneasy feeling.  After I saw what it was, I  left it in the envelope, put it where I don't have to look at it, and let the tears flow.  

The loves of my life!

I have really tried to control when I show my emotion around my other kids.  I am very open about how it is okay to be sad and miss Jaylen.  If I cry, I express that it is okay as well, but I don't want them to see me crying as much as I do.  I feel that it's good for my children to understand emotion and that it isn't always bad to cry, but I also don't want them to grow up remembering that their mom was sad all the time.  When ever they cry about Jaylen, I let them express it all they want.  I don't ever want to teach them to hold it in, but I do feel that at times I need to control my emotions around them.  I don't cry all the time, but I have moments and a lot of times in those moments, I will excuse myself so they don't have to see it.  

Best Friends

There is a non-profit place in Fort Worth that is for families who have lost a close loved one.  It's called The Warm Place and we are taking our family there tomorrow.  I am really looking forward to it.  It is mainly for children who have lost someone close.  It's a place that they can interact with other children their age going through similar things.  Since the accident I have noticed the most change in Kaia and I'm hoping that this can help her.  At times I am at a loss on how to help her express her feelings, but I hear they do a play therapy with the children and I hope that it will help her.   Along with helping the kids, it has all the families gather monthly who are in our similar situation.  I'm looking forward to having that interaction.  I have already built a strong bond with a couple of other mom's who have lost a child also and it has been a saving grace for me.  These other mom's have helped me so much so I'm hoping that going to The Warm Place will be positive for not only my kids, but our whole family.