Feeling Empty

Life has been a roller coaster the past two days.  I had been feeling pretty good, but it all fell apart again last night, my heart is so broken.  Mike and I have been pretty good at keeping ourselves busy, but last night, we spent the whole evening at home and it was hard.  I couldn't stop thinking about Jaylen and how much I miss him.  Our lives have changed drastically since this has all happened.  I feel such an emptiness in our home now.  I feel an emptiness within myself also.   Jaylen has containers filled with cars.  The moment we would come home from somewhere, or first thing in the morning when he would wake up, he would pull us to his closet so we could get his cars out.  He would have to have at least two big bins out every time.  Then, he would push them into our family room, dump them all out, just to play with a few of them.  At times, I would not understand why he did that just to play with a few, but all I wanted to do last night was go into his room, pull out his cars and dump them all over the floor.  We weren't always doing something while at home, but when we were home, cars were all over,  the noise was constant, and life just felt busy no matter what.  I miss it so much!!

 

I remember after having Jaylen how much busier my life got.  Before I had him, so many people had said that going from two kids to three was a huge difference.  I didn't think much about it, but once he was here, I understood.  Now, as I go back to taking care of two, I feel lost in a sense.  I miss the business that he brought into our lives.  I miss watching him climb on anything that was possible to climb.  I miss the milk stains on my couch from him spilling his milk bottle constantly.  I miss watching him race his bike down our driveway, seeing how fast he could go.  I miss watching him eat his messy Cheetos and getting them all over.  I miss hearing "mommy" in the middle of the night, just knowing that he wants me.  I miss EVERYTHING!!

It's still hard for me to believe that this is all real.  I know in my heart that he isn't coming home, but in my mind I can't fathom what the reality of this is.  I can't come to terms that my child has passed on and that I will not be able to hold or see him again until I pass on as well.  It seems far too long to wait and at times I don't know how I'm going to do it.  He brought so much to our family.  He was the little boy that wanted to be just like his daddy, but loved to help his mommy.  He was Kaia's best friend, but wanted Ian to help him when he couldn't do something.  He played such a huge roll in all of our lives and it just seems empty these days.  I know that with time, the pieces will slowly be put back together, but they will never be the same pieces.

I slept until 10:30 this morning and I don't think I have slept that long since before Kaia was born.  It felt good, maybe almost too good because I didn't have the desire to get out of bed, but I knew that I had too.  I have to force myself to do these things now because if I don't, I could go down a road that I don't want to go.  I can see how easy it would be to just give up, but I can't, and won't allow myself to go there. It's amazing how in tune people are because after I got up, I had three friends and a few family members text me just to let me know that they loved me and were thinking of me.  It really helped and was what I needed!  I know that a lot of people feel like they don't want to "bother" me, but sending a text, just to say hi and see how I am is definitely not a bother.  Those are the things that help me get through the day.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I think it is the first time in my life that I am going to church because I want to.  I was raised a Mormon, but questioned religion my entire life and the minute I moved out of my parents home, I stopped attending church.  I have always had a strong belief in God, but have not known what direction in life I wanted beyond that.  Mike and I have talked a lot in the past about finding a church but have never got around to doing it.  Everything has changed since this accident.  I so badly want answers and I'm at a point now that I will try to find them.  It's amazing how life's turns can send you in a direction that you never thought you would go.  I don't know what direction that I'm headed, but I do know that I want to be the best person I can be, do what I need to so I can be with my precious baby boy once again.

Another Hour, Another Day

Another hour has passed, another day has gone by that Jaylen has not been with us and it seems like it has been an eternity.  I still don't think the reality of it all has hit me yet.  I know in my heart that he isn't coming home, but I still wish that I could wake up and it all be different.  I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights.  I'm able to fall asleep on my own, but I have been waking up around 3 or 4 each morning and can't go back to sleep.  When I wake and it's quiet, my mind starts to go.  I start to replay that tragic night over and over in my mind and it never gets easier.  Early this morning when I awoke, Kaia was in bed with us, of course, and was awake too.  I wasn't aware that she was awake, but I started to cry thinking about everything.  My sweet, five year old daughter, leans over and asks, "Mom are you sad?"  me, trying to be strong for her said, "yes, but it's ok" she says, "are you thinking about Jay?" I said, "yes".  She leans over to me and says, "mommy, it will be ok" then gave me a big hug and shared her blanket with me.  All I could think was, here I am, this grown woman who is the one that is suppose to be there to comfort my kids, but my five year old is here comforting me.  I am so blessed to have such sweet, thoughtful kids.  They amaze me with their strength.

The past two days I have decided to go on a run outside rather than attempt the gym.  It actually has been very therapeutic for me.  I put on my earphones to a play list of music that my brother made for me after the accident and it's just me, the road, and no one in my view.  I've been able to feel some peace while I do this.  I have been able to cry, run fast, slow down, talk to Jaylen, my brother, and pray to God.  It has helped me to have that moment and I'm glad that I've found some way to get out and still enjoy exercise.

I'm amazed at the kindness that we continue to feel by so many people.  It really puts things into perspective and I hope that I will be able to pay it all forward to others in the future.  We receive cards in the mail every day from people we know, but a lot are from strangers that only know of us.  It's just amazing!

 I've really struggled with the thought of only having two children to care for now because I have three!!  I fear the question of  "how many kids do you have?"  I have three kids and always will, but that is a tough question.  One of my closest friends from high school surprised me with a beautiful gift in the mail today.  I think she was aware of my feelings regarding that question.  She sent me a beautiful necklace with all three of my kids first initial to their name on it so I will ALWAYS have my three children with me.  It meant so much to me and I will always cherish it.

I have attempted to make dinner for the first time today since the accident.  I did use the crock pot, but it's one more step in trying to pick up the pieces and go forward.  I have had no desire to do much of anything, but can't let my household fall apart so I am really trying to keep things together.  I am really trying hard to get my children's lives back to normal as much as possible.  Life will never be the same, but I've got to do my best to not disrupt their lives even more.

It's amazing how different the home is with just one little two year old not around.  It's not like Jaylen made a ton of noise, but the house is so quiet without him.  I miss the noise, I miss just knowing that he was around the corner in the other room playing and dancing.  He kept us entertained.  Kaia is a good entertainer too, Ian's a bit more shy, but between Kaia and Jaylen, there was never a dull moment.  I look forward to the day that we are all dancing together again.

Each day I pray for something special to happen so I know that Jaylen is close.  People have told us that special things will happen and those are the moments that will pull you through.  In my heart, I know that Jaylen has been here, we have felt him, but it's never enough.  I'm sure with time those moments will lessen, but I will cherish all that he will bless us with.  The other day when I was really struggling, I just kept praying for some sort of sign that Jaylen is near.  Yesterday I believe that I was blessed with yet another sign that he is close.  Those moments give me hope.  They are what will get me through this.

Hard Day

Today has been an extremely hard day.  I think that I have been very blessed the past few days because I was doing surprisingly well, but it all fell apart today.  Mike and I attempted the gym again.  I had made a new play list of music,which has been very comforting, but it is emotional too.  As we got half way through our workout, my body just gave out and I couldn't do anymore.  I broke down.  I miss Jaylen so much it hurts!!  I sit and watch as everyone around me are going on with their lives and in the back of my mind, all I can think about is that I just lost my baby boy.  I would give anything to go back to two and a half weeks ago, being one of those people that just has their every day problems.

Mike and I have really tried to keep ourselves busy while the kids are at school.  Every day we just walk around stores, attempt the gym, or just grab something to eat away from home.  It is hard.  Everywhere we go there is something that reminds us that our little boy is not with us.  We will see something in a store that Jaylen would have loved, at a restaurant, seeing something that he would like to eat, or just seeing a child around his age.  It's something that we can't escape, but hopefully with time, those wounds won't hurt as bad.

I've had a hard time looking at Jaylen's photos today too.  I have made him my screen saver on my phone and every time I have looked at my phone today it has hurt.  I don't know if the reality of this all is slowly creeping up on me or what, but it has been tough.  Kaia had asked for a snack today, I asked her what she wanted and she said cereal.  She and Jaylen love to eat cereal plain, but just recently Jaylen had started liking it with milk and feeding himself with a spoon.  He had particularly started liking Cocoa Puffs and today that is what Kaia wanted.  As I got the box out of the pantry and was putting some in a bowl for her, I looked over at Jaylen's empty bar seat and all I could picture was him sitting there, with a big grin on his face, eating those Cocoa Puffs.  It broke my heart, the reality, knowing that I will never see that big grin, eating cereal in his seat again.  It's just so unfair.  Parents aren't suppose to bury their children!!

I continually ask, why me??  Why Mike??  We have tried our best to be good people, good parents.  I know this isn't some kind of punishment, but it's hard not to ask why?  There are so many neglectful parents in this world, so many people that chose not to have children.  Mike and I love kids and have been the best parents we know how.  We  have worked hard to support them and give them all the love they need, it's just hard to understand.  I have had a few parents reach out to me who have lost children themselves and they all seem like great people too.  It just makes you wonder what the plan is for all of us?  Why we are all given different trials, some harder than others?  Again, all I can do is believe that this is part of the plan for Mike and I.  At this very moment, I hate it and am mad, but I hope that I will understand one day.

Missing Him

I miss Jaylen so much, it's undescribable.  I think since he has been born, the longest I ever spent away from him was maybe three days.  It has now been over two weeks since the accident and it feels like it has been an eternity.  The thought that it will be years before I ever see him again hurts.  I walk around my house just praying that somehow he will appear.  That I will somehow get a glimpse of his adorable smile and a big hug.  It's funny because for the past few months, Jaylen would never give Mike or I kisses when we would ask for them.  He thought it was so funny.  A couple of weeks before the accident, he started giving them to us every time we asked for them and I wish so bad that I could just have one more kiss.

I have been surprised at how strong I have felt the past few days.  I've stopped taking the sleeping pills, not wanting to become dependant on them, and have actually been able to sleep ok.  I do wake up periodically and just lay there, but eventually fall back asleep.  I have not cried nearly as much as I probably should be.  Tears flow everyday, but it has been controllable and I feel as if I am surviving this somehow.  In some ways I feel as if the events have been blocked from my mind.  If I start to think too much about them, that is when I break down.  Visions of that night hurt.  Sometimes I catch myself replaying the events in my mind and that is when it's hard.  So many whys and how's??  Jaylen was out of our sight for literally seconds...it just doesn't seem that it would have even been possible to happen!  Those are the things that make me believe that our lives are not in our control.  The only way to believe that this was possible is that it is a plan from a higher power.  For some reason God sent Jaylen to us for these short two years to teach us something and he did teach us so much.

Jaylen brought so much light to our family.  We have had some big trials the past year and moving to Texas has been a huge blessing to us.  Along with moving, Mike and I have been able to spend a lot more time with our kids and each other.  I was fortunate enough to keep my job with the company that I was working for in Salt Lake and work at home here in Texas.  When we moved, Mike was suppose to start his job sooner than it happened. He ended up being home for a few months with the kids.  Because of that, I was able to see them more.  I'm not able to work and have my kids home with me, but because Mike was home for that time, I got to see my kids a lot more.  Every time I had a break, I would come out of my room to Kaia and Jaylen running to me and giving me a hug.  I can hear Jaylen's voice over and over in my mind saying, "mommmmy"!  I miss hearing that so much.  It was a huge blessing for Mike to be home for those few months as well.  He has never been able to spend that amount of time with the kids and he built such a bond with them.  He has always been a very hands on father, but being able to not have any other commitments for those few months gave him that extra time with the kids.

After the accident, Mike and I questioned if we had made the right decision in moving here.  We have felt so strongly before all this that it was definitely the right decision, but after, we questioned.  After the events took place, my very wise 10 year old son Ian, made a comment that stood out.  I didn't hear the comment, but was told about it later.  He said, "If we hadn't moved to Texas, what kind of accident would have happened to Jaylen in Utah?"  It is so true.  These kind of things are not in our control and if Jaylen was suppose to have survived this, he would have, whether we were in Utah or Texas.  God has a plan and I just have to continue to tell myself that.

I wake up feeling broken each morning, I really struggle in the mornings.  It kind of feels like the movie Groundhog Day, where I wake up each day reliving the nightmare which is a reality.  I wake up wishing that I could lay in bed all day, but I have other kids that need me.  Everyday when I do get out of bed, I feel like I have weights all over my body weighing me down.  Hopefully with time, those weights will slowly disappear one by one and it will be easier.  I feel so fortunate that I do have my other kids, I could not imagine if Jaylen had been my only child and trying to move forward.  They are what get me out of bed each morning and they are what keep me from sobbing all day.  I have been so blessed with such amazing children, along with an amazing husband.  He is my strength too, we have really learned to lean on one another and I hope through this trial, we will learn to lean even more.  I couldn't get through it without him.

Surviving...

I woke up this morning sad.  I think each morning is difficult for me because I wake up realizing that what I am experiencing is real and that Jaylen is not here physically with us anymore.  Each morning I go around the house and open the blinds to all the windows because I love the natural light.  I debate each time I get close to Jaylen's room if I should go in there.  I do, of course, but every time, I question it.  It's so hard going in there and see his empty crib.  I was telling my mom last night that those are the reminders that tell me he was here with us.  Because he was with us was such a short time, sometimes I feel now that it was a dream that we even had him in our home because it was so short, too short.  I can't be angry with God and his plan, but at times I feel as if we were teased.  I feel like, why bless us with such an amazing spirit, only to know that he would not be with us very long??  It's so hard to understand and it is unfair.  This is one club I never wanted to be a part of.

It's amazing through this to realize how many people are in this same club. It is so sad!  So many parents have had to bury their children and you wonder why?  I truly don't think that there is anything worse that could happen to a parent than losing a child.  I won't deny how awful it is.  I've had so many emotions these past few days.  I know it is normal and I will have them for awhile, but it is hard.  I wake up angry, which turns to sadness, then as the day goes on, it gets a little better.  Mike and I have really tried to keep ourselves busy and as long as we do that we are ok.  It has been nice for Mike and I to be able to spend time together, just the two of us.  There is a lot of silence, but not in a bad way.  In that silence, there is a feeling of peace, but sadness too.  We have also had a lot of good talks and I don't think I could survive this without Mike and vice versa.  Jaylen has been a huge part of that too.  Mike and I both feel that Jaylen was a huge part of strengthening our relationship, before any of this.  At sometimes I wonder if he was preparing us?

We put Kaia to bed in here own bed every night, but she finds her way to our bed every night.  I laugh because we have a king size bed and no matter how big our bed is, she has to be laying right up next to me, almost pushing her body onto mine.  It is irritating at times, but now I try and enjoy it because you just never know what tomorrow will bring.  The night before Jaylen passed, he had woken up in the middle of the night.   Normally Mike or I would go in his room, check on him, get him situated better, and then he would go back to sleep.  That night though, Mike had been up due to stress at work and couldn't sleep.  He decided to bring Jaylen to bed with me.  Of all my children, Jaylen is my best sleeper.  He really didn't want to sleep anywhere but his bed, but that night, he layed next to me and we slept until 8:30 that morning.  I woke up with my beautiful baby boy next to me and who knew that it would be the last time?  Cherish those little moments that you have with your kids, because really, you just never know what tomorrow will bring.  Never in a million years did I think I would be here today, writing these thoughts, but this is my new reality.

Since we have been back in Texas, Mike and I haven't really wanted to do anything other than be together.  Some of our friends have been a little concerned.  It's not that we are trying to hide from the world, but it's hard to face people.  Anyway, last night we decided to go up the street to our friends house that we have spent a lot of time with since we moved here.  It was hard.  They had gotten a new puppy this summer that Jaylen absolutely loved.  Every time we were at their house, he would chase it around, pick it up, squeeze it when he would carry it, and dropped it a few times.  It got to a point that when we would go to their house, the dog would run and hide from Jaylen, it was funny.  Last night when we were there, it was hard when the puppy came running out of the house.  All I could picture in my mind was Jaylen running around trying to catch him.  Things like that is hard, knowing that I will never get to see him do that again.

 I think one of the hardest parts of this all is that every time I turn around there is something that reminds me of Jaylen.  Every time I drive somewhere, most places are places that the last time I was there, Jaylen was with me. A few days before the accident, I had been on the phone with a place that has tumbling classes.  We have been trying to get Kaia into something like that since we moved and I was wanting more information about it.  Two nights ago we decided to go and check it out.  While we were there, all Mike and I could think about was how much Jaylen would have loved to do something like that.  It's a place where there are trampolines, mats to do flips, somersaults, walk on balance beams.  Jaylen loved doing those things.  Kaia had so much fun and Ian even decided that he wants to do a jump class they have there.  We don't want our lives to stop because what has happened, but everywhere we go, every time we turn around, there is something that reminds us of what's missing.

I hate being out and Jaylen is not with us.  Whenever we go anywhere, for some reason, our kids have always stood out.  There isn't a place we could go without someone stopping us wanting to talk to our kids and compliment them.  Now when we are out, I hate that people only see two kids with us.  I have three kids and I want so badly to still have my three kids with me.  I was telling my mom how different it is going from taking care of the three of them, back to the two.  Kaia and Ian are at an age where they don't require a lot.  Jaylen consumed so much of our lives because he was still so dependant, even though he thought he could do it all himself.  It is such an adjustment and the house is so much quieter.  I miss the noise.  We are big TV people.  Even if we weren't watching it, it was always on Disney Junior or something, just for the noise.  Jaylen loved Disney Junior.  It's hard to have the TV on now.  Every time I hear one of the shows start and the music comes on, it stings a little.  I think there will be a lot of stings for the next little while.  Jaylen loved Little Einsteins, particularly the part when they are in the aircraft about to take off.  They do this little thing where they pat their legs as they are about to take off and yell blast off, then take off.  Jaylen and I use to sit together and do it as they would on the show.  I can hear him saying blast off in my mind over and over.  I will never look at that show the same.  I will always remember those little things that Jaylen and I did together.  He brought so much happiness, I can't even describe how much he brought to this family.

I've never been a big religious person.  I have always had a spiritual side to me, but religion is a whole new ball park.  Since all of this has happened, a new spiritual side has come out of me.  I don't know where it will direct me in the future, but I do know that I want to do all that I can so I am with Jaylen again.  The presence in our home has already changed.  I have never had a picture of Christ in my home, but since this, we have received some beautiful portraits.  Mike and I hung them up last night and I wouldn't want it any other way.  I want a peaceful spirit in our home now.  I want to feel Jaylen close.  I look at life so differently now and just want to be better in all aspects.

Picking Up the Pieces...

Since we have been home, it has been an up and down battle of emotions.  One moment I will feel like I am ok, but in a split second , the reality sets in and I turn angry and frustrated, thinking "why my little boy, why Jaylen??"   Mike and I are good people.  We have tried to live our lives the best we know how.  We aren't perfect, we have made numerous mistakes, but we have tried our best.  People say that God gives these type of challenges to the strongest of people and if that's the case, I don't want to be strong!  I don't believe that Mike and I are any stronger than another human out there, but for some reason, we are here facing this tragedy.  It's unfair and I want my son back so bad, but for some reason, this is God's plan for us.  I don't understand why it had to happen and at times it feels impossible, minutes feel like hours, days feel like eternity, but I hope with time, we will understand.

When we arrived home from the airport, we pulled up to our home with a porch filled with gifts, balloons, flowers, lawn mowed, etc.  It is so amazing to see how people come together to help a family that they hardly know.  Our neighbors have been so kind.  We feel very blessed for how much people have done for us.  It makes you realize that in this world of pure evil, there still are a lot of good people.  It makes me want to be a better person.

Our home has been extremely peaceful, but it is hard to be here at times.  Every time we turn around, we have a memory of Jaylen.  Wishing so bad that they weren't memories.  I catch myself looking in his room, wishing that he was waiting for me to get him out of his bed.  I find myself walking through the house, hoping to find a car laying around that he had played with and never got put away.  I sit, hoping that some special thing will happen, just to let me know that he is still here with us.  We have had a few special moments, but I wish they were constant!

I started the laundry today because it hasn't been done since before the accident.  As I went to each of my kids rooms to gather the laundry, I got to Jaylen's room and he had two outfits that were in his basket.  I stood there staring at them, so many thoughts running through my mind.  I immediately grabbed them, smelling them, hoping that they would have his scent on them.  They didn't.  I debated if I should even wash them, or keep them dirty just to remind me that Jaylen was with us and that I didn't imagine it for the past 2 years.  I decided to wash his everything, but put one pair of shorts that were dirty aside.  I also have a pair of pajamas that he had worn the night before the accident that does have his smell on them and I pray that the smells stays forever.

I have felt numb since the events took place, but being at home, certain things make it a reality.  I've noticed that if Mike and I can keep ourselves busy, we are ok, but the second we let our minds relax, the reality is there and it is heartbreaking.  I feel like wanting to throw a tantrum, kicking and punching walls.  It's weird though because one moment I will feel ok, then the next, I break down.  I was searching for something in my drawer today and came across a zip lock bag that said, "Jaylen's first haircut", which was March of this year.  It made me realize that he will never have a haircut again and it sucks.  So many things that he won't be able to experience in this life or things that we won't be able to experience with him.  Parents just should not be allowed to lose children.

Kaia went back to school yesterday and like I said before, it was going to be hard to take her.  A week before the accident, Jaylen and Kaia had picture day and when I walked in there yesterday morning, the first thing they had for me were the pictures.  What a treasure!!!  I feel so lucky that we were able to have some professional, beautiful pictures of my baby boy before all of this.  Who knew that it would be his last??  I will tell you though, they bring a smile to my face and I am so lucky that I am his mom.  The daycare staff was so nice.  They let me know they cared, but didn't dwell, which is exactly what I need at this time.  It's hard to be around people because you want to know that they care, but you don't feel like talking a whole lot either.  A nice hug and a few words is perfect.

School portrait, Sept. 2013

Mike and I decided to go to the gym this morning.  This is the first time I have even attempted to exercise and it was hard!!!  Not physically, but mentally.  As I was running on the treadmill all I wanted to do was quit.  I had no strength, my body just felt defeated.  As I continued to run, I kept telling myself not to give up, to push through it.   It made me think of my life now and how I feel.  I so badly want to stop, give up, curl in a ball, and hide from the world, but I have to push through this.  I have to force myself to learn a new normal and carry on.  Just like I wouldn't let myself quit on the treadmill today, I will not let this tragedy get the best of me.  Whatever Mike and I are suppose to learn from this, we will try and learn.  We find ourselves already wanting to be better people.  Since all of this, we have learned that love is all that matters in this life.  We want to keep our home peaceful, we want our kids to get along, and we always want to be positive examples to our kids.  We just want to be better so we can be with Jaylen again.  That is all I want!!  I catch myself constantly looking around corners, hoping that he will appear.  I do believe that I will see Jaylen again, it may feel like an eternity before I do, but it gives me hope!!  So much hope!!

Going home

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now.  I'm sitting on the plane as we make our way back home to Dallas and can not get comfortable.  I read one of the books that was given to me on the first leg of the flight to Phoenix, but on this second leg, I am just too tired.  My body is beat, I'm am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, but not enough to let my body relax and sleep.

 As we got to Phoenix and were walking to our next gate, I almost felt as if I was in a movie where at that moment everything is silent and in slow motion, but so much going on around me.  Seeing parents with their young children, especially boys that look close to Jaylen's age is gut wrenching.  I fear going home and having to face the reality of it all, but at the same time I am so ready to be home.  There is no place like home, but in the midst of that, home will never be the same because a huge part of our home is missing.  I know we will feel Jaylen close, but I also know that every time we do something or look at something, there will be a memory of Jaylen.  I know in time that those memories will bring us great joy, but right now, in these next few weeks, it will be painful.

The thought of never having Jaylen pulling me to his room to get a box of cars out for him just so he can dump them out all over the family room floor hurts.  At times I didn't understand why he always did that, especially when he would only play with a few of them, but I would give anything to have him to do it again.  The thought of never having a dance party, wrestling match, riding bikes down the driveway, or Mike throwing him in the air, twisting and turning him, kills me (even though it killed me watching Mike throw him around).  Going for walks will never be the same.  For one, we always did it as a family, and for two, so many memories of the funny things Jaylen would do on the walks.

For Jaylen being as young as he was, we have built some amazing memories.  More than I could ever imagine and I wonder at times if Jaylen knew all along and was preparing us.  It's impossible to believe or understand why God would bless us with such an amazing spirit, only to know that he wouldn't be with us for very long, but for some reason, there is a plan and all I can do is believe.  Jaylen blessed our family more than he will ever know. We are closer than we have ever been. My relationship with Mike is stronger than it has ever been and I can't help but believe that it was part of Jaylen's mission.

I'm fearful of what's to come in the next few days as we go back home and are in front of friends and neighbors who are just hearing about our loss.  Part of what is so hard in this process is that other's are grieving as well.  Just when I feel like I'm ok, I see someone else's tears and it's hard to hold mine back.  I am at a point right now though, that I feel numb.  I feel like so much is going on around me, but silence is what I hear and feel.

I'm fearful for my kids to return to school.  I know that they need to get back to normalcy as soon as possible, but really, what is normal to us as a family now??  I don't think we will ever be the normal we once were.  We are going to have to build a new normal and I hope Mike and I will be able to help our kids through it.  I fear taking Kaia to preschool tomorrow.  She goes to preschool where Jaylen went to daycare two days a week.  Everyone there knows Jaylen, loves him, and are affected by this too.  I know they will want to ask how we are, and of course, if they didn't ask I would be sad, but at the same time, I have to face that I will never be taking Jaylen there again.  I'm not ready to start the new normal, but somehow that will be the only way to survive.

I'm big into exercising and since this event has taken place, I have had no desire to run.  I love running, lifting weights, etc. It is my therapy and I know that it would be good to start doing again, but again, the gym I go to, I would take Jaylen with me periodically.  When he and Kaia would come with me, everyone noticed them the second we walked in the doors.  I know if I go there now without Jaylen, people will wonder, people will ask, and how do you tell people that your baby boy has passed on??  In many ways it makes me feel like I failed as a parent, but I know that Mike and I are great parents.  It is hard though, to not feel like you failed.

All these fears, and starting over is the reality of this all and the reality is so very ugly.  I feel fortunate that we have felt the support that we have and a lot of that support is from people in Texas.  We questioned at one point if we should move back to Utah, but both Mike and I feel that Texas is our home now and it's where we are suppose to be.  Life will never be the same and when someone asks what they can do for us, all I can say is pray.  We need all the prayers we can get and not just now, months down the road.  So if you ever wonder what you can do, please just pray for our family.